This is the start of the hols and I'm already thinking it's gonna end very soon. I don't know what's wrong but I can't get the negative thoughts out of my mind. Each time I forget that I was upset about something, I remember it a few hours later because some idiot would bring it up.

Yes, I'm financially insecure. Talking about this, I have to say, I HATE my mother. The word is HATE. Don't try to change that because she's really not a good mother. If she were, she wouldn't have dumped me and say that I'm not her responsibility. Becasuse of her, she owes people over a thousand dollars. I keep thinking of how to clear up her mess and I even set up a piggy bank just for the purpose. I can't stand my guardian's nagging, telling me how dire our situation is. This happens EVERY single morning. That's why I'm pissed in the morn. I start it off badly. Or rather, it was started badly. There's no way to ignore it because somehow, what they say is true and I'm beginning to feel the effects. And heck, no one clears my mess.

Sometimes I would really laugh at myself. I can tell others to keep going, don't give up, be there to help them on their way.. Some think that I'm a person they can turn to, to seek advice and comfort. Truth is, I don't know how strong I am. I need a break too. I need it soon. But I'm not getting it. I need someone to turn to when I'm lost, to lean on when I'm tired. I don't know how much spiritual strength I have. Cos' I don't know how to rely on it. I'm soo tired.. can you understand?

I can't believe this. Had my chem spa today. I knew I was weak in skill C and so I practiced. Practice practice practice and I think I didn't have enough.. I was not nervous at all..the day before and the day itself. I felt so sure that I could do any question. Yet..

When it was my turn, I took a freaking 15 minutes just to find what the concentration of KMnO4 was. (It was already given, but was right at the bottom of the page. I mean, what the heck is wrong with the teachers?! This is a national exam (and yes, I'm in national) Can they at least follow the layout that cambridge would use? Don't tell me that cambridge also give concentrations of solutions that the end of the question. This is so totally not acceptable (at least for me))
I went on calculating and yea, this worked out fine until the very last part of the question. I couldn't find the value of x. The thing is, I know the answer. Somehow, I was able to calculate it. However, I just couldn't put it down on paper! At the end of the exam, I realised the way to do it was using empirical formula.. And it was till then, I finally found the solution..

Too late..It was all too late.

This was one of the battle that I was prepared to win and yet..it wasn't as perfect as I felt and imagined it to be.. I really tried so hard..perhaps I didn't try hard enough? If I tried hard enough, I won't have napped in the library for an hour before the exam.

I feel that I have lost once again, to my inner enemy. I can hear her snigger and laugh at my foolishness, laugh at my every futile attempt to beat her. [I repeat, I'm not really supposed to be a science student]

I'm such a moron.

ok..I know why..I keep getting in trouble cos I can't keep my mouth shut. ='( and I get everyone around me upset cos I'm always so headstrong, thinking that I'm right. Is that why I keep losing the ones dear to me? Oh my goodness..It's my fault again

note* the previous post which involved my friend and I happened when we were both young and immature. I hope none of you would take that to heart, especially kh.. I don't wanna lose you again ok?

in conclusion, never try to resolve issues when your head is not clear. things that CAN go wrong, WILL go wrong.

NOTE TO SELF: NEVER EVER PUT SENSITIVE THINGS ON BLOG. CAN GET INTO A LOT OF TROUBLE

I beg for forgiveness if I have offended anyone. I thank you all because you made me learn.

I'm back! I was ill for a few days and slept like a dead log. Today, I'm gonna discuss a few things that revolve around friendship..or relationship in general.

For those ex 4E1'05 people, just in case you do not know this, CX and XY are not on very good terms now. For details, I think you can check CX's blog. However, remember to check with XY and a third party too (cross reference) So, what do I have to say? The thing is, 2 very good friends turned into arch enemies..and of course, this kind of thing don't happen over night. Each time one party tries to justify his stand, the other would use it to create even more horrible things about him. For example, A: I didn't do it purposely. B: Look! He did that deliberately. Under this kind of situation, it's best to leave things as they are for the moment. I know because similar incidents happened to me and back then, when I was immature, I cried and verbally hurt my friend. After listening to both XY and CX and giving some advice, I hope they would be able to work things are. For their case, it's rather hard to resolve and I predict, they may never be best friends as they were ever again.

Of course, I'm very thankful for my case because things worked out very well. I can still talk to my friend and even when I have trouble, he'll still be there. =) Lucky, aren't I? Even if things don't work out, I would still cherish the fun times we had and the times we spent practising together and the concerts..

Next, my very good friend broke up with her guy. Well, it's a very normal thing to breakup and patch again. I think I saw that(the breakup) coming. Told her that any form of BGR at this point of time can't really last long (there are exceptional cases)

What I'm thinking is that, relationships with people can be good or bad depending on how you handle it. I don't know for others, but I think, good instincts sometimes help to choose friends and react to difficult problems. All I can say is that, I thankful for all the good people that I've met in my life. Perhaps, I always think that everyone is good? All maybe it was all planned after all..

I'm soo happy today.. Yes, I'm starting to pass my tests and keeping the promise that I made in the previous post. Ok, I know many people would have done just as well as me but hey, just gimme some encouragement ok? It's the first time since I don't know when that I passed my tests and it's physics! That's quite a miracle, considering that my physics isn't exactly rock solid and I did my tests using what I've learnt last night.(supposed to learn kinematics as wel but I just memorised 3 equations like 10 minutes before the test?)

Did my bio SPA today and guess what? I nearly laughed my head, butt, everywhere off..^_^ a bit too easy don't you think? But then comes the danger of people getting very good results. Oh well, I can't be bothered since I'll try my best to do very well for the theory paper as well. Bio rocks! No calculations using weird formule required. Isn't that wonderful? Only the processes matter. Ah..I'm enchanted once again. (Did I mention that Bio rocks? =P)

Phew..Funtasia is finally over. Can't help feeling relieved. =) However, I think that Xinmin's food and fun fair is the best! 4E1 '05 rox! Ahh..how I miss the old days. Studying really wasn't as bad now that I'm studying in JC. I missed my dear selene, fel, hammie (favourite food =P), XY (bu yao lian) ,CX(my quiet yet noisy pal), darrie(smart lor), xiao xin (kim) and so many people. Zheng lao shi!!! I missed you so much!! *sobs Oi..when is she getting married? I thought she promised us she would by this year?! Sigh..I want a life that's my own!

I just realised that my dad wanted me to take H2 physics all along. It's just like in the past, he forced my bro to take accounts. But my bro didn't like it and i think he did badly. Similarly, physics is not the subject that I'm good in. He insisted that physics would be useful to my career in future. Why would I want to do something that involves what I don't like?! He started scolding because I was focusing on studying bio. ( The SPA is on Tues, of course I'd try to study that first) In any case, he predicts that I would do badly for my Common tests and decided if that's the case he would just ignore me as I'm deemed hopeless.

I don't know what to say to convince him that he should support my choice. I'm thinking of joining EDB in future. In fact, any path that I choose would be difficult and I need his support. Yet, he thinks that I should just follow the path that he wants to pave for me.. (no..please, I don't want that) I'm really obedient (at least at home) confronting him or telling him that his method wouldn't work is like commiting suicide. Sigh..

ok back to studying.

If skill C was tested today, I would have flunked it with a beautiful oval. I'm serious. I've had enough of my nonsense! How can I keep failing? I've never failed so many times before. Though one will say, 失败乃兵家常事。I'm not used to being the one failing. I win in my battles and I make sure the end result is always with me winning. Now, it seems like I have no control over my battles.
I hate to say this but I feel insecure and sadly, I still cannot trust everyone around me totally. Everything seems so superficial and I just lack that feeling to push forward. Studying should not be like what it is now.. Endless tutorials and lectures. I need to really reflect. Meanwhile, I need support :'( I'm really afraid that I might just break down if things continue as they are. I can't even find time to hug and talk to my toy plush or whatever that helps me de-stress. My dad doesn't even allow me to listen to music! Argh!!!!!!

I got back my math test yesterday. (Tues) It was horrible. Ok. I expected and mentally prepared myself to flunk it. But what I did not prepare was how badly I flunked. The thing is, I'm just disappointed because this is the first time I failed like THIS.
As much as you might have guessed, my dad's nagging and suggesting that I had better leave my cca. I do not know what will happen next but I just hope that this is the last time I would fail like THIS. [okok, I'll try and pass..It's not easy for a math idiot like me. Think I need a dummies guide for math >.<]

yay!!! Why am I so happy? I may not have to quit guitar after all! =) Ms Ng(rox) managed to convince my dad that I should stay. Ya, the deal is that I must do well for my Common tests. My CT and Ms Ng will be helping out with math since I'm utterly hopeless..Yup, and I'll be more of a passive member..At least I get to stay on and I can play with my friends, poke jackie, hug jan n xinhui, joke, help people relax and see my favourite uncle toh! Yes! If that's the comprise I have to make, I accept it =) so everyone is happy. I thank..everyone including..both the fathers..for their kind understanding and patience.=)
I must work very very hard and not disappoint anyone! ok =D time to fulfil my promise.

The Oriental Singapore is really a nice hotel.. You have to go there to see it for yourself. 'melt. the world cafe' also serves wonderful food of all sorts though i would wish for more variety. The people are really friendly and I met the manager who was from NJ! I was wearing my NJ jacket today. The chef from malaysia was really shy. He's not familiar with using english and so had a bit of trouble communicating. I can see that he was trying very hard and he's really cute =P
We earned a net profit of nearly $200 for fund raising. Thank you for all the supporters and helpers. That's what I call team spirit! Try and sell more next time ok? I can't keep selling all the time right?
Sigh, I never knew that doing a project could be so tough and I REALLY stressed up by the immense amount of work I have not done. Plus, I can't stand the fact that I have been failing my tests because I don't fail that often in the past. =( I hope things would turn out fine for my common tests. I will study and prepare for it. If I still fail it, I really don't know how I will react..

Yay! The concert was (quite) a success! ^_^ Saw my friend blush for the first time.. I mean, he's really dark and he blushed! haha. For those who want to see the scandalous skid again..I'll consider giving you the add if the response is good..(means - tag me and say you want to see the skid) A big thank you to all who came down to support us!
The sad bit is..I'm really quitting and it isn't really my wish but I'll do it anyway ='( That doesn't mean I'll give up playing. No! I'll learn and probably get the notes from my guitar mates and learn at home. Then I'll pop by a day or two and practise with the people. I hope that would happen. Meanwhile, I'm considering to join either I&E, ELDDS or anything lighter but suits my personailty. Honestly, music's the best..but I won't repeat myself. ok I really have to sleep =) We did great yesterday! haha
I'm gonna try making muah ji later today! Hope it's good enough for sale..

I must really hand it to my mother. She's been nagging at me for the past 1 hour?! Woah..that's incredible. Ok, the good news is I didn't lose my friend's stuff. It was missing in the first place! And I fianlly passed my 2.4 =) wanna thank my wonderful friends who believed in me in the last lap when I thought I couldn't make it through...
The bad news is, I'm gonna fail my second math test today. Sigh..and I'm gonna quit guitar right after the concert tomorrow. It's really upsetting..but it's better that I pull out now. I know I'll have to sooner or later..I can't put up with my parents' incessant nagging for long. I'll make the best out of my first and last concert for the year =) Life goes on.. it always does. I just have to learn to adjust with the winds..
But life without music is..miserable for me..I felt it in sec 4 and I'm going through it again..

sigh..I got home at 10 30 pm today. That's early already(since I have friends who reach home at 11 plus) I don't know what's wrong but I'm just having bad luck. First, I lost something from a flute and this flute belongs to my friend (who so kindly agreed to lend me..yet ='[..) Then I nearly lost my GC. (cos' I left it in the com lab absent-mindedly) I nearly screwed up for my solo part with my senior during a technical run.
I'm just so stupid! Can't believe I actually cried cos' I couldn't find the missing part for the flute..(I'm really sorry..really =( sobs*) And thanks to all those who helped me look for it. I'm gonna quit guitar after the concert..(not that I'm willing) You can say that no one can force me to do what I don't like WRONG. HE can. He refers to my dad..Really..there's no way to resist him. I tried and I failed..on many occasions. So I see no point trying again cos' it will end the same way sooner or later..with me forced to quit. I rather choose to quit now..else it'll be too difficult once I love guitar with all my heart..