I have been visiting my childhood days.. I love ariel a lot.. because of her beautiful voice and her adventurous personality. ^^ ya.. I'm a curious creature too.. and I have a nice protective father like hers.. King Triton =D Ha.. those days..

I'm getting more and more comfortable being a girl.. I know it's strange but I never felt easy being one.. Until I saw the power that a woman has.. when she's truly a woman. I was =O wowed... So boys and girls.. give thanks to your brave mothers who dared to bring you to this world and cared for you when you were young.. Of course there are some mothers who aren't very wise but at least carrying you for 9 nine months is not easy ok!

Can't imagine what it's like if I become like one of them.. >.< never mind.. not gonna imagine

I miss my mother for a moment..

ha.. finally taking a small break. I've been having quite a lot of fun reading up on my favourite subject. Yup, though I didn't do very well for the promos, I'm not gona waste my time looking at the past right? ^_^ And so.. I came across a very scary..or should I say, interesting theory - Weismannism. it's the theory that traits are not inherited.. i think. This means that the central dogma that we learnt in DNA genetics would be shattered! But why not? It's only a central dogma, a starting point that people set-which may not be the truth. So if the theory is believable, it should replace what was wrong.. correct? Then you'll risk changing many things and what if this new theory is wrong too? Then we'll go round and round ^_^ *yawns. I think I need an eye break..

*yawns.. it's been a long day and the rain that I prayed so hard for finally came (yes, just the way I want it, full blast) Spectecular isn't it? Let's recount what happened today. =)

First, I'm glad that Mr. Wong said that our presentation is interesting. [Thanks to Mr. Leong! ^_^ We changed the entire structure overnight!] While we were struggling, putting the slides together.. LW and XL were playing maple. Quite comical with LW shouting at XL,' Bless Me! Bless Me! Or heal me! Heal me! Hurry up, XL! You are damn slow!' Yea, and we did it =)

Ok, next part of the day is to OCS [Officer Cadet School]. I'm saying this for the benefit of those who hasn't got a chance to go there (girls especially, cause you may never get to go there) Hmm.. first, our guide, Kai hates being an Officer Cadet in training. Hates it like mad.. (oh, you don't have a choice as to whether you wanna be an officer cadet) Tells us that it's a bloody waste of time and he just wants to be a driver but failed his basic theory (90% is the passing mark) Tells us that the food is horrible and they get freaky trainings like at 4am?
[You can tell that he's pretty pampered..and oh, he didn't grow up mentally prepared to go for NS.. went overseas.]

We went there and sampled the food that they eat.. It wasn't too bad, seriously. Their bunks are seriously neat too.. but quite plain. Well, you aren't staying there as if it's a chalet =D guys, be ready for standby bunk where your trainers checks your bunks for cleanliness and tidiness.. If they are not satisfied, they can always make it messier ;)

Introduced to weapons used. First, there's GPMG [if I'm not wrong, general purpose machine gun] quite powerful, killing about 100 men per magazine? After that you have to change the barrel because it would turn freaking hot] and the worse part is that you have to clean it.. which is not as easy as you think due to the incomplete combustion of carbon..[happy cleaning guys, and it get's worse when you are shooting blanks like I did today ;)]

There's also 84mm (something that weighs about 11 kg and is recoiless when you fire) given the name 84mm because the diameter of the hole that the bullets come from is that wide. There's SAR 21 local. Not too sure how it works ;) guys, happy shooting AND CLEANING.

Played with NVG [night vision goggles] Don't really think it's very good (yea, since it's the most basic ones that they use) If you spoil it, good luck man.. YOU ARE SO DEAD. The lens can cost over 10 000 bucks. A guy spoilt his and he signed up for full time service.. sad case..
Li sha and I were looking at each other with the night goggles and we looked like ghosts! Serious! It's quite interesting, knowing how they work.. Some kinda electron excitation thing.. ok, I still don't like physics.
Better quality ones would be those that you see on tv.. thermosensors integrated with da guns..

It started raining and we rested in an air-conditioned place. Supposedly where the guys slack after they had a hard training. There's a bar and so you can get some alcohol or stuff.. There were several swords hanging on the wall.. Mainly for decorative purposes. There's the excalibur, the sword of charlemagne..and something held by or presented to Richard Lionheart(King of England?) (these are all characters and objects created based on myths and legends) After walking so much, I fell asleep on the couch and wandered off into dreamland...

Got woken up by someone and we had to go to the parade square.. but it was wet and so there wasn't much we could do or see.. Oh.. but the path from the 'tunnel' to the entrance of the parade square is rather interesting. There are about 7 values on the wall such as courage, care for team mates? and professionalism to state a few.. and the one on courage was by Mark Twain, 'Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.'

If I'm not wrong, an officer cadet graduates and will walk pass this 'grand' passage, moving into the parade square. And there will be an initiation ritual in a tall glass room where the guys will recite the creed and sing the OCS song. The Flame will be ignited and the guys have to carry this heavy and huge sword. See.. swords are very meaningful. Each one has it's own story and it's personality. 'The sword embodies the character of a Warrior. That of strength and courage. Let this be a sacred reminder of our calling and our purpose.. [sorry, words not very accurate here.. >.<>
Yup that's the most sacred place there..

So the whole idea is that the training takes about 9 months and less. Certain structures of the building symbolises the womb and an OC in training will grow and develop in this 'womb' and after that walk out of the place. The 'passage' that I mentioned would be the.. vagina then? yea.. it's technically correct =P So the BMTC would be where the egg (camp) and sperms (guys) meet? and those zygotes (chosen people to be officer cadets) will move to OCS and develop in the 'womb'? Sounds like it, right? [THEREFORE WOMEN ARE IMPORTANT. Heh.]

Yea, we talk about how wonderful it sounds and how horrible the trainings can be.. and of course I appreciate the fact that the trainings at least help to build up the stamina, mental and physical endurance for the guys. I just thought, in the event of a war, how many would be willing to sacrifice for the county? How many are really serving with honour? Then I have problem understanding what honour really means and why do we need that? What's so great about honour? [and a friend of mine told me that stupidity is a subset of honour..all the more confusing me] Why can't we serve with love? Why do we need to fight? Why is it so strange/ironic.. Fight for Peace and Peace-warriors.. Or am I just being dumb?

argh.. So full! Went to Sakura again! at this rate I'm going, I might turn into a pig.. sis said I already am I. please, go look at yourself in the mirror before laughing at me! >.<
Many things happened.. And the more I face the world.. the uglier it seems to me. I really want to go back to the days when things weren't so complicated.. where the human heart weren't so..evil. Tired, got to work on PW..sigh

I love Mr. X. He's cute and his ***** lights up whenever there's a signal from or for me..

yay.. i finally finished my first draft for I and R.. never mind if you don't know what that is. You don't want to know! Totally in love with myself. I shall try to reward myself more for just being me! =D okok.. getting a bit crazy after doing I and R haha!

I was very stressed.. and so I flipped open a book..here's the quote..

Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.

Perserverance.

Morning!! =_=.. look at the time! haha.. well.. I slept more than half the day.. naturally I'm wide awake now.. sigh, no one's awake here.. at least none of my contacts.. so lonely in the morn..doing some work for my sis just to earn $10 and I haven't even done my I&R or chem worksheet..argh!

Oh, anyone told you I'm good at massaging? hehex. Charging $0.50 per 20 minutes. Cheapest rates you can ever find. *want some extra service?

-_- where/what are you thinking? I meant studying together ok..hehex

Haha.. today is a wonderful day! I love every second of it.. First, I'm thankfully promoted and get to keep my subjects. Next, I slept early the night before and so had enough rest. The whole family went to Sakura at Orchard to have lunch buffet as part of the celebration for my bro-in-law's birthday. Had lots of chocolate desserts and I love chocolate fudge! Then there's this weird guy who keeps staring at me. So I practiced my direct stare skills and ha.. he keeps looking away. Very funny. So far, only 2 guys passed my direct stare test and they are both weird [intj]s. weird people but never mind ^_^ I love direct stares.. it sorta shows that there's nothing to hide.. and i feel comfortable staring back.. =) I like honesty..
The next best thing is that I came home and slept till 6 plus! haha.. basically, I lived the life of a pig/hiberanting snake [i prefer the latter] and had cake later for dinner! Took some value system test and another test which said that I'm quite conservative in the bedroom.. -_- if you get what it means.. haha =P whatever!
Lastly, thank god my best friend promoted! I want to meet her in NUS next time! yes, Selene, that's you! work hard! I'll start calling and stressing you very very soon..muhahaha!!*love you lots..you have no idea how much..

Rita:Bravo! Bravo! Our dear Jas has finally gotten her first E. What? She actually wanted a C? She must be mad!
Jas: Oh will you just shut up and no one will say you are dumb.
Rita: Who's the dumb one here?
Gwen: Rita, stop it.. She's upset enough. It's not as if she didn't make any effort.
Rita: Upset? Upset?! You think she's the only who knows how to be upset? How many other people is she going to upset? Jas, you ought to be upset. No, not for yourself. You should be upset for wasting other people's efforts. After doing so much for you, this is what you gave them. Crap.
Jas: Leave me alone! Leave me alone, you idiot! I tried, I didn't want it to be like this either.*hugs Gwen
Gwen: At least she made it through.. We all know it's not her strongest or favourite subject.
Rita: It's obviously not her strong subject but this is suppose to be easy.. even those who are weaker can do better. What does that mean? It means that she isn't putting enough effort! Stop those bloody tears, it's not gonna change anything and stop giving me that stare. This is just so embarassing! I wonder why I'm associated with you.
Jas: You think I like to be stuck with you? It's all your fault! Telling me I was right and then giving me all the wrong answers.
Rita: Now now, don't push the blame on others when you don't bloody get what you want! Blame it on that pea brain of yours which can't even do simple sums properly and doesn't use much logic.*laughs mirthlessly..
Jas: There are others who didn't do well, I should be glad that I made it..
Rita: Don't compare with others. You haven't even defeated yourself. For goodness sake, only inferiors will compare with inferiors. Besides, shouldn't you be ashamed that majority still did better than an imbecile like you? Seriously hopeless, will you consider dropping it to save yourself from humiliation?
Gwen: Stop being so mean! Not all hope is lost, Jas, you can still try again.
Rita: *Snorts Do you need to wait till she gets a U before she quits? Jeez.. I''m saying this for your own good. Why go through so much if you can't do it?
Jas: Because..because I thought I could.. *teary eyes I thought I would do well if I tried.. maybe you're right, I should just let it go..
Gwen: Are you serious, my child? Is this what you want?
Jas: I don't know.. I don't know what I want except bio.. Why shouldn't I just end this so that I can focus on what I love rather than divert my attention on what I don't..exactly love?
Rita: It's up to you, my child.. Scolding you or hitting you will only waste my energy. I do not wish to do the same next year should the same thing happen again. By then, no one can save you.
Jas: Are you saving me?
Rita: Prepare yourself. Make your next move.

Oh my gosh.. why do they always have to keep us in suspense? I'm so jumpy.. yikes.. will they just quit it?! i think I'm gonna give up learning the html thing.. no time. so I'll just try to get another skin that suits..

darn the haze..

I'm so crazy!! ahh!!!

ok. enough. So we will go to Cho Kwan's house for gathering.. I'll plan together with some people and ;) make it a night you won't wanna forget. -_- no I'm not gonna let you all stand for one night together.. haha get it?

Don't spoil the fun yet.. so I'll keep the plans to myself first.. don't worry.. i also won't get you guys to go joo chiat or geylang =P bleh!

Happy birthday to my sim lim twin! yes, jasmine[lim] *hugs. i remember;) thanks for remembering me too.. haha.. see? jack you wanna be triplet with us? or quadruplet? there's jasmine koh, you and I on the same day.. and jasmine lim is my favourite jasmine hehex. when people called us in class, both of us will respond =D Ahh.. i missed the good old days.. those carefree days without complications.. just good friends, study hard together, provide strong support.. jasmine.. do you remember how afraid you were of presenting in front of everyone else? haha.. i guess you still are.. work hard for OP OK? remember the days when you got so nervous you cried and nearly hyperventilated and squeezed my hand till it nearly broke.. haha. yup, i know it's warm. still miss me don't ya?
Somehow, this year hasn't been giving me good memories that i want to bring with me when i move on afterwards. I hope this will change for the better next year. I'll try to be more active and get the class to work together. we're gonna show the others how capable we are. [YES] do not doubt yourselves, fellow classmates of 06S24. We have the potential. Somehow it's mis directed. people, admit it. we lost our focus. we have no time to lose. it's the A level's next year and i hope i will be strong enough to influence you all to work hard. this means i'm turning into exam mode very very soon. No time to slack [well, maybe a bit but not after you've done some revision] and yes, I'm turning my 'i' and 'd' (influencial and dominating) full blast. pray that i can make it through. Working super hard for bio and chem and math..(as in, will work hard) feeling stressed yet? yes, i don't mind healthy competition. do remember to take care of one another.. unity is strength dears.. if you need any help or have any doubts, you can ask me. [we can learn together]
i said i would think of what i want to be when i complete my studies..i'm still thinking and i won't mind if you give me some ideas.. =) it will tell me what you guys think of me too. i wanted to be a teacher and i think it's possible, just that it clashes with my idea of going on a world tour. And i may not be smart enough to be one.. [yes jack, you are smart.. happy? =p] i wanted to be a doctor.. but it requires a lot of detail work.. though i like the pay, the flexibility, the ability to save lives.. i wonder if i'm up to it.. you can't just be if you want to be.. i thought of taking forensic science and deal with dna samples.. it's interesting, pays quite well, exciting but can cause emotional problems.. cause i might think too much. basically, anything that interests me, i'm not afraid to try and master.. so there are just so many doors to choose, i wonder which door is truly mine to open. oh.. wanted to serve in the army too =) trains discipline which i may lack sometimes.. [and no.. i will not be like that madame who came that day and wish to serve as a supporting role.. no. given my character, it would not satisfy me..] i love to talk talk talk.. so i considered public relations.. my dad said i'm crazy. [but he's introverted. heh. doesn't like to socialise.. so i can't trust him that i'm crazy, right? ok... maybe just a little..]which way to go? will someone Up there give me a sign? i know i love bio a lot.. that's one sign.. but can it be narrowed down? plus.. bio isn't the only thing in my life.. sigh.. any ideas?

jasmine is cute. ^^ not that one, me! me! ms sim. haha. super narcistic. [no, i just need to love myself, currently not loving enough] you can love me too.. i know im very lovable ;) jack.. don't melt ... haha

want to change my blogskin.. hard time designing and learning all da html thing.. but im not giving up yet..
sigh, feel so unloved at times when i know that there's so much out there.. so where did all the love go? i used to seek attention(perhaps i still do) i love affection, i love to give love and show that i care(i really do) but lately, I've grown tired. Ya, you would ask how is it possible to get tired of love right? maybe it's because the people you are loving are also humans.. sometimes i think humans are more difficult to love. (yes, animals are easier. like means like, dislike means dislike. there's no love-hate all at the same time. Dogs can hate you for a moment but still love you later. there are no ill intentions, no deception only honest love that i so wish that humans can show)
what happened to all that love that we used to know? why do people change? why have i changed for the matter? i know reality isn't all that wonderful, i know i have to grow up one day, but i don't want to grow up knowing that i have yet to taste the worst bit of reality. I'm no longer that same silly old me that can laugh all the time, laugh at all the good or bad things.. i can't be like the 'fool' of that tarot cards, walking confidently, not knowing all the dangers that lie ahead. I know how much it hurts to fall and how much it took for me to stand up and continue walking, so i won't be impulsive as to sprint without looking again.. the road to self understanding can be so tiring..
I wonder if I'm making sense.. no maybe I'm not. maybe I'm just uttering nonsense like I always do. i need to find that happy me that's too afraid to show up now..

uh ohh.. been very sinful today. Very Very.. but i thought of it as a test. Cos i wanted to see how tempted and easily influence i could get. I wasn't tempted. So that's good news? I don't think about it all the time and I'm the least bit impressed.[as in if you don't remind me i will not go and recall it deliberately]
so i guess that's good news..
goodness.. >.< ok. enough of sinful curiosity

too tired. Couldn't study bio (for fun.. ya. not even the fun element can make me study) so i gave up and decided to blog.
Things that happen when you are a child have a great impact on your values, principles and how you see the world.. i guess that's why I'm actually a little weird at times.
I remember when i was 8, i wanted to know how deep the sea could be. I wanted to know what it really means to commit suicide ( i wasn't very clear about it.. so guess what?) I bravely took my surfing board and started swimming towards the open sea. Of course, i wasn't and still isn't a good swimmer course no one taught me how. Deeper and deeper i went until suddenly, the currents swept me up and i lost control of the surfing board( yea, it floated away) i thought, 'never mind, i can turn back and swim'
WRONG.
the force of the current was stronger than i thought and swept me further from the shore. My heart started pumping all the adrenaline it has (red alert) It's quite amazing because i realise now that it's natural to struggle. I did. I kicked and tried to wave my arms. I didn't scream though.. and I still can't remember who saved my life..
I was silent on my way home. Can't remember what my thoughts were.. but i guess i stared blankly. So when i saw my folks back home, i was just overwhelmed. I got to see them again! I remember this line when I was sobbing, ' I thought I will never make it back home,' and kept crying..ever grateful that my stupidity didn't kill me. [curiosity kills the cat]
So.. even though I'm truly amazed by the diversity of marine life, even though I love bio a lot.. i will never go out to the sea if i can..
Now, the thought that i gathered from this incident, other than the fragility of life, and the power of nature, I feel that life can be just like what happened at the sea. You are surrounded by many things, many dangers and you are struggling.. what if no one sees you struggling? or pretend not to see it? i ever imagined that i gave up struggling and closed my eyes.. allowing the darkness to take me in. It felt good not to struggle course struggling is tiring. Life is like this. Survival of the fittest. Survival of those who have the courage to survive, who have the will to live on. These people who live on.. have a thirst for something better. They may not know it.. but deep down that bottomless pit, they crave for something that they do not see.. something like a reward for living strong.

THIS IS WHY I LIVE.

what the heck.. browsed through over 7600 blogskins.. nothing suits me.

i'm hard to please right..

finally.. FINALLY! Promos are over. Like the last time, I'm better off dead. I can't sense the joy that i get from the liberation. Because, I know very well that i faired badly. Today was my last and supposedly favourite paper- biology. yet, i lost it. i've never suffered such a major blank-out [that means forgetting most that i've learnt] It's all my fault for leaving it till the day before to start revision. I know i have myself to blame. There's no next time if i really screw this one up. Don't have to try to comfort me because you have no idea how screwed things are.
Prediction for promotional exam results:
GP: D (if i get this, well, i guess it's enough for this year)
Econs: C ( i worked for this.. if i don't get it.. then that's just too bad)
Maths: E (I'm praying very hard for a pass only. Skipped a lot.)
Physics: C ( I tried.)
Chem: C (it's my weakest but i hope to get this)
Bio: E (don't ask why)

I wanted to talk about more happy things.. but this last paper totally ruined my mood and plus the lecture that i got from my dad.. don't ask.

I think i should go running.. it's been a long time since i last stretched my muscles..

Last thing.. I've been thinking about what love means.. So far there is still no definite answer but i love my dad though he is totally psyche. yet, he can be a real softie and ha i like the soft side most of the time. Honestly, i think i wouldn't have been so disciplined without him.. We've been supporting each other all the time. If there's something called fate or what other's call God, then i think fate/god is nice enough to let me meet him. There's totally no reason why someone unrelated can love me so much. I know he loves me madly. If anything happened to me, he would rather be in my place. So you see.. though he's weird, he's equally lovable and I'm really so thankful to have someone who loves me and will really REALLY try to be there when I'm in trouble.
So there's another kind of love that you have for others.. what people call couples' love. Me? I haven't really got much idea on that one.. Just a little more about me. Most would think that I show love easily and well maybe that's true.. but i can be quite an introvert on that at times.. i may be more afraid to love than you think. I'm afraid of commitments especially those forced upon people.. so i only love when i willingly do so (am I making sense?) I'm glad that there are people who love and care about me and i wish i can put away all my doubts so that i can give what little love i have to all that i care about..

Really tired. Sometimes, i do wish that there's someone i can lean on and yup just spend a few quiet moments and feel the wind currents moving around us..