Yesterday[16.11.06]

Me: Hello auntie!

Auntie: Hey boy, what do you want? [pauses and gives an embarassed look]

Me: [Indignant look]

Auntie: sorry sorry

Yea.. it happened again. I was mistaken as a boy. It happened thrice this year.. the first one was when I was in school with Li Sha. I sat really close to her and a maid walked up to us and exclaimed..

In school

Maid: Aiyo! I was thinking why a boy is sitting so close to a girl in school! So you are a girl! -_-

Me: Uh, ya. I'm a girl.[fortunately/ unfortunately?]

Food Stall Auntie: Boy, what can I get for you?

Me: =_=

[similar cases in coffeeshops]

In the toilet

Auntie: Boy, the gents is at the opposite side

Me: [shocked and lost] Uh, I came in to take toilet paper for my mom.. and I'm a GIRL..[blushes and rushed out]

In a drama camp

Mr. Soup[yea, his surname is tang..let's just keep it at that] is the worse case that I've ever had with this gender problem thing.

Mr. Soup: Hey, where're you from?

Me: XinMin, you?

Mr. Soup: Maris Stella [I don't remember which]

We hugged and played together like buddies. I thought we were.. but to be sure..I told him..

Me: Hey.. I'm a girl, you know..

Mr. Soup: What? Don't fake it.. haha [Pulls my shirt..yea, he's checking for ahem..]

Me: Shocked look but ok.. maybe he knows

Mr. Soup: Walked away [he still didn't realise!! :O]

and from there.. things didn't go very well and I lost a potentially good buddy. [he still didn't forgive me for not being super open about it on day one even when we graduated]

I mean, I was really fair when I was young.. Most females prefer to be fair, no? That's why Olay and Garnier whitening sells ^^

Sad to say this, but I've wasted the whole day again.. First, I went mapling for 2 hours and then later on I watched 'Cast Away' for 2 hours. Thank god it was commercial free. Boy, I could have done a lot of work in that 4 hours. It's the second time that I watched the show. First time I watched it, I cried.. But that was a year ago. This time? Nah.. But I learnt 2 things that I probably forgot by now.. Two things that 'Jack' the male lead said that I must start remembering by heart.

1) Never lose track of time. Time waits for no man.. yea.. 4 hours gone just like that..
2) I gotta keep breathing, because the tomorrow the sun will rise.. Who knows what the tide would bring? A reminder to all who wants to give up.. Don't. Because there's always hope, no matter how impossible things may seem..

I still believe that god exists.. So even when there's no hope in humans..
you can still hope in the lord =D

I meant to blog this yesterday but I couldn't find the time to so.. here we go.

Thank you!!! Thank you XY and JJ!! I thought we were celebrating JJ's bdae and it turned out that you 2 came to celebrate mine! Ok, it's a little late but =D aww.. so sweet of you! Yea and so, we sat at the staircase at my void deck and talked about the good old days.. Got scolded by an Auntie who was preparing for some funeral because we were playing with fire :O I joked that she was afraid the incense paper would fly over and catch fire.. oh well. ha.

Thank you so much.. and coincidentally, the astrological report for that day was, Prospects that you thought evaporated, reappeared in your life.. =D

Yay! PW IS OVER! BYE BYE! TAKE CARE! I DON"T WANT TO WORK WITH YOU ANYMORE! Yea.. for this bloody OP, I got up freaking early so that I could reach school at 7am. I'm very tired.. but I too happy to go to bed. ^_^ No more PW! Freaking PW! haha. it's over and it's not screwed.(hopefully) argh.. not a good day to blog about anything else. I want to play!

Went for a jog.. Yea, it's been a while since I last jogged alone round the neighbourhood. Had to sneak out too. Don't ask. Feels good to dissapate heat energy. I used the signs as my checkpoint.. but more importantly, I imagined that I was going not just towards the goal but towards my loved one-dad haha. So it worked.. for long stretches I took 2 minutes per checkpoint on the average..not too bad for a first time. Will keep playing.. and sorry to that someone who asked me to play badminton >.< see if we can do that in school? ;) better chances

I miss my bro..

NOTE TO SELF: DO NOT DO SIT UPS ON METAL BENCHES (ouch.. my head..) =D

Strange.. It's been a long while since I last touched my tarot cards.. Suddenly, I felt drawn to it. So, I decided to do one reading and asked to show me what I needed to know. It spoke what was on my mind. There seem to be some form of an internal struggle and a battle of the head and the heart. I don't know which to trust. There's a decision to make. I have all that I need an my situation requires me to take action. Which path should I take? I have the answer but I'm ignoring it and allowing myself to get distracted. Sigh..the wonders of tarot =D

I don't think it's very harmful.. Tarot hasn't caused any harm..or are there negative externalities? >.<

Yea.. I love 'An Enchanted Life'.But I know reality is never as beautiful as that..

if i typed my problems here would someone up there be surfing the net and reading? or maybe that someone already knows? but is he gonna help? >.< Oh.. :'( please.. save me from sloth.. I'm so so so lazy nowadays and this won't do if i ever want to do well for biolympiad! I'm so ill-disciplined!! argh!! help!!!!

sometimes they say self help is the best. Or God helps those who help themselves [my sis said that too] How? How! How?! Please.. help me help myself then?

mother and I may not be close. But I will always remember all the little times that we spent together. I inherited quite a lot from her actually.. that quick and hot temper, impulsitivity, extrovertedness (dad's an introvert.)and some anger- towards men. The difference is that she explodes them and I implode.. sometimes. (due to co-domminance ^_^)
Sorry to say this but I really can't stand a lot of guys around here. Either they are too immature or they think too highly of themselves. (Yea, that may have to include my 'sweet' alvin. But let's just put that aside ok?)
Is it because I'm getting more like a girl and start to think that guys suck? NO. Because whether I become more feminine or not, they still suck.
I shall be smarter and ignore them as much as possible. Hopefully I'll survive and pass on the better genes to my next generation. Yea, you need guys for that right? Hopefully I can find the right slave boy. [Like the fire ant queen]

FREAKING IRRITATED.

I have been visiting my childhood days.. I love ariel a lot.. because of her beautiful voice and her adventurous personality. ^^ ya.. I'm a curious creature too.. and I have a nice protective father like hers.. King Triton =D Ha.. those days..

I'm getting more and more comfortable being a girl.. I know it's strange but I never felt easy being one.. Until I saw the power that a woman has.. when she's truly a woman. I was =O wowed... So boys and girls.. give thanks to your brave mothers who dared to bring you to this world and cared for you when you were young.. Of course there are some mothers who aren't very wise but at least carrying you for 9 nine months is not easy ok!

Can't imagine what it's like if I become like one of them.. >.< never mind.. not gonna imagine

I miss my mother for a moment..

ha.. finally taking a small break. I've been having quite a lot of fun reading up on my favourite subject. Yup, though I didn't do very well for the promos, I'm not gona waste my time looking at the past right? ^_^ And so.. I came across a very scary..or should I say, interesting theory - Weismannism. it's the theory that traits are not inherited.. i think. This means that the central dogma that we learnt in DNA genetics would be shattered! But why not? It's only a central dogma, a starting point that people set-which may not be the truth. So if the theory is believable, it should replace what was wrong.. correct? Then you'll risk changing many things and what if this new theory is wrong too? Then we'll go round and round ^_^ *yawns. I think I need an eye break..

*yawns.. it's been a long day and the rain that I prayed so hard for finally came (yes, just the way I want it, full blast) Spectecular isn't it? Let's recount what happened today. =)

First, I'm glad that Mr. Wong said that our presentation is interesting. [Thanks to Mr. Leong! ^_^ We changed the entire structure overnight!] While we were struggling, putting the slides together.. LW and XL were playing maple. Quite comical with LW shouting at XL,' Bless Me! Bless Me! Or heal me! Heal me! Hurry up, XL! You are damn slow!' Yea, and we did it =)

Ok, next part of the day is to OCS [Officer Cadet School]. I'm saying this for the benefit of those who hasn't got a chance to go there (girls especially, cause you may never get to go there) Hmm.. first, our guide, Kai hates being an Officer Cadet in training. Hates it like mad.. (oh, you don't have a choice as to whether you wanna be an officer cadet) Tells us that it's a bloody waste of time and he just wants to be a driver but failed his basic theory (90% is the passing mark) Tells us that the food is horrible and they get freaky trainings like at 4am?
[You can tell that he's pretty pampered..and oh, he didn't grow up mentally prepared to go for NS.. went overseas.]

We went there and sampled the food that they eat.. It wasn't too bad, seriously. Their bunks are seriously neat too.. but quite plain. Well, you aren't staying there as if it's a chalet =D guys, be ready for standby bunk where your trainers checks your bunks for cleanliness and tidiness.. If they are not satisfied, they can always make it messier ;)

Introduced to weapons used. First, there's GPMG [if I'm not wrong, general purpose machine gun] quite powerful, killing about 100 men per magazine? After that you have to change the barrel because it would turn freaking hot] and the worse part is that you have to clean it.. which is not as easy as you think due to the incomplete combustion of carbon..[happy cleaning guys, and it get's worse when you are shooting blanks like I did today ;)]

There's also 84mm (something that weighs about 11 kg and is recoiless when you fire) given the name 84mm because the diameter of the hole that the bullets come from is that wide. There's SAR 21 local. Not too sure how it works ;) guys, happy shooting AND CLEANING.

Played with NVG [night vision goggles] Don't really think it's very good (yea, since it's the most basic ones that they use) If you spoil it, good luck man.. YOU ARE SO DEAD. The lens can cost over 10 000 bucks. A guy spoilt his and he signed up for full time service.. sad case..
Li sha and I were looking at each other with the night goggles and we looked like ghosts! Serious! It's quite interesting, knowing how they work.. Some kinda electron excitation thing.. ok, I still don't like physics.
Better quality ones would be those that you see on tv.. thermosensors integrated with da guns..

It started raining and we rested in an air-conditioned place. Supposedly where the guys slack after they had a hard training. There's a bar and so you can get some alcohol or stuff.. There were several swords hanging on the wall.. Mainly for decorative purposes. There's the excalibur, the sword of charlemagne..and something held by or presented to Richard Lionheart(King of England?) (these are all characters and objects created based on myths and legends) After walking so much, I fell asleep on the couch and wandered off into dreamland...

Got woken up by someone and we had to go to the parade square.. but it was wet and so there wasn't much we could do or see.. Oh.. but the path from the 'tunnel' to the entrance of the parade square is rather interesting. There are about 7 values on the wall such as courage, care for team mates? and professionalism to state a few.. and the one on courage was by Mark Twain, 'Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear - not absence of fear.'

If I'm not wrong, an officer cadet graduates and will walk pass this 'grand' passage, moving into the parade square. And there will be an initiation ritual in a tall glass room where the guys will recite the creed and sing the OCS song. The Flame will be ignited and the guys have to carry this heavy and huge sword. See.. swords are very meaningful. Each one has it's own story and it's personality. 'The sword embodies the character of a Warrior. That of strength and courage. Let this be a sacred reminder of our calling and our purpose.. [sorry, words not very accurate here.. >.<>
Yup that's the most sacred place there..

So the whole idea is that the training takes about 9 months and less. Certain structures of the building symbolises the womb and an OC in training will grow and develop in this 'womb' and after that walk out of the place. The 'passage' that I mentioned would be the.. vagina then? yea.. it's technically correct =P So the BMTC would be where the egg (camp) and sperms (guys) meet? and those zygotes (chosen people to be officer cadets) will move to OCS and develop in the 'womb'? Sounds like it, right? [THEREFORE WOMEN ARE IMPORTANT. Heh.]

Yea, we talk about how wonderful it sounds and how horrible the trainings can be.. and of course I appreciate the fact that the trainings at least help to build up the stamina, mental and physical endurance for the guys. I just thought, in the event of a war, how many would be willing to sacrifice for the county? How many are really serving with honour? Then I have problem understanding what honour really means and why do we need that? What's so great about honour? [and a friend of mine told me that stupidity is a subset of honour..all the more confusing me] Why can't we serve with love? Why do we need to fight? Why is it so strange/ironic.. Fight for Peace and Peace-warriors.. Or am I just being dumb?

argh.. So full! Went to Sakura again! at this rate I'm going, I might turn into a pig.. sis said I already am I. please, go look at yourself in the mirror before laughing at me! >.<
Many things happened.. And the more I face the world.. the uglier it seems to me. I really want to go back to the days when things weren't so complicated.. where the human heart weren't so..evil. Tired, got to work on PW..sigh

I love Mr. X. He's cute and his ***** lights up whenever there's a signal from or for me..

yay.. i finally finished my first draft for I and R.. never mind if you don't know what that is. You don't want to know! Totally in love with myself. I shall try to reward myself more for just being me! =D okok.. getting a bit crazy after doing I and R haha!

I was very stressed.. and so I flipped open a book..here's the quote..

Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me.

Perserverance.

Morning!! =_=.. look at the time! haha.. well.. I slept more than half the day.. naturally I'm wide awake now.. sigh, no one's awake here.. at least none of my contacts.. so lonely in the morn..doing some work for my sis just to earn $10 and I haven't even done my I&R or chem worksheet..argh!

Oh, anyone told you I'm good at massaging? hehex. Charging $0.50 per 20 minutes. Cheapest rates you can ever find. *want some extra service?

-_- where/what are you thinking? I meant studying together ok..hehex

Haha.. today is a wonderful day! I love every second of it.. First, I'm thankfully promoted and get to keep my subjects. Next, I slept early the night before and so had enough rest. The whole family went to Sakura at Orchard to have lunch buffet as part of the celebration for my bro-in-law's birthday. Had lots of chocolate desserts and I love chocolate fudge! Then there's this weird guy who keeps staring at me. So I practiced my direct stare skills and ha.. he keeps looking away. Very funny. So far, only 2 guys passed my direct stare test and they are both weird [intj]s. weird people but never mind ^_^ I love direct stares.. it sorta shows that there's nothing to hide.. and i feel comfortable staring back.. =) I like honesty..
The next best thing is that I came home and slept till 6 plus! haha.. basically, I lived the life of a pig/hiberanting snake [i prefer the latter] and had cake later for dinner! Took some value system test and another test which said that I'm quite conservative in the bedroom.. -_- if you get what it means.. haha =P whatever!
Lastly, thank god my best friend promoted! I want to meet her in NUS next time! yes, Selene, that's you! work hard! I'll start calling and stressing you very very soon..muhahaha!!*love you lots..you have no idea how much..

Rita:Bravo! Bravo! Our dear Jas has finally gotten her first E. What? She actually wanted a C? She must be mad!
Jas: Oh will you just shut up and no one will say you are dumb.
Rita: Who's the dumb one here?
Gwen: Rita, stop it.. She's upset enough. It's not as if she didn't make any effort.
Rita: Upset? Upset?! You think she's the only who knows how to be upset? How many other people is she going to upset? Jas, you ought to be upset. No, not for yourself. You should be upset for wasting other people's efforts. After doing so much for you, this is what you gave them. Crap.
Jas: Leave me alone! Leave me alone, you idiot! I tried, I didn't want it to be like this either.*hugs Gwen
Gwen: At least she made it through.. We all know it's not her strongest or favourite subject.
Rita: It's obviously not her strong subject but this is suppose to be easy.. even those who are weaker can do better. What does that mean? It means that she isn't putting enough effort! Stop those bloody tears, it's not gonna change anything and stop giving me that stare. This is just so embarassing! I wonder why I'm associated with you.
Jas: You think I like to be stuck with you? It's all your fault! Telling me I was right and then giving me all the wrong answers.
Rita: Now now, don't push the blame on others when you don't bloody get what you want! Blame it on that pea brain of yours which can't even do simple sums properly and doesn't use much logic.*laughs mirthlessly..
Jas: There are others who didn't do well, I should be glad that I made it..
Rita: Don't compare with others. You haven't even defeated yourself. For goodness sake, only inferiors will compare with inferiors. Besides, shouldn't you be ashamed that majority still did better than an imbecile like you? Seriously hopeless, will you consider dropping it to save yourself from humiliation?
Gwen: Stop being so mean! Not all hope is lost, Jas, you can still try again.
Rita: *Snorts Do you need to wait till she gets a U before she quits? Jeez.. I''m saying this for your own good. Why go through so much if you can't do it?
Jas: Because..because I thought I could.. *teary eyes I thought I would do well if I tried.. maybe you're right, I should just let it go..
Gwen: Are you serious, my child? Is this what you want?
Jas: I don't know.. I don't know what I want except bio.. Why shouldn't I just end this so that I can focus on what I love rather than divert my attention on what I don't..exactly love?
Rita: It's up to you, my child.. Scolding you or hitting you will only waste my energy. I do not wish to do the same next year should the same thing happen again. By then, no one can save you.
Jas: Are you saving me?
Rita: Prepare yourself. Make your next move.

Oh my gosh.. why do they always have to keep us in suspense? I'm so jumpy.. yikes.. will they just quit it?! i think I'm gonna give up learning the html thing.. no time. so I'll just try to get another skin that suits..

darn the haze..

I'm so crazy!! ahh!!!

ok. enough. So we will go to Cho Kwan's house for gathering.. I'll plan together with some people and ;) make it a night you won't wanna forget. -_- no I'm not gonna let you all stand for one night together.. haha get it?

Don't spoil the fun yet.. so I'll keep the plans to myself first.. don't worry.. i also won't get you guys to go joo chiat or geylang =P bleh!

Happy birthday to my sim lim twin! yes, jasmine[lim] *hugs. i remember;) thanks for remembering me too.. haha.. see? jack you wanna be triplet with us? or quadruplet? there's jasmine koh, you and I on the same day.. and jasmine lim is my favourite jasmine hehex. when people called us in class, both of us will respond =D Ahh.. i missed the good old days.. those carefree days without complications.. just good friends, study hard together, provide strong support.. jasmine.. do you remember how afraid you were of presenting in front of everyone else? haha.. i guess you still are.. work hard for OP OK? remember the days when you got so nervous you cried and nearly hyperventilated and squeezed my hand till it nearly broke.. haha. yup, i know it's warm. still miss me don't ya?
Somehow, this year hasn't been giving me good memories that i want to bring with me when i move on afterwards. I hope this will change for the better next year. I'll try to be more active and get the class to work together. we're gonna show the others how capable we are. [YES] do not doubt yourselves, fellow classmates of 06S24. We have the potential. Somehow it's mis directed. people, admit it. we lost our focus. we have no time to lose. it's the A level's next year and i hope i will be strong enough to influence you all to work hard. this means i'm turning into exam mode very very soon. No time to slack [well, maybe a bit but not after you've done some revision] and yes, I'm turning my 'i' and 'd' (influencial and dominating) full blast. pray that i can make it through. Working super hard for bio and chem and math..(as in, will work hard) feeling stressed yet? yes, i don't mind healthy competition. do remember to take care of one another.. unity is strength dears.. if you need any help or have any doubts, you can ask me. [we can learn together]
i said i would think of what i want to be when i complete my studies..i'm still thinking and i won't mind if you give me some ideas.. =) it will tell me what you guys think of me too. i wanted to be a teacher and i think it's possible, just that it clashes with my idea of going on a world tour. And i may not be smart enough to be one.. [yes jack, you are smart.. happy? =p] i wanted to be a doctor.. but it requires a lot of detail work.. though i like the pay, the flexibility, the ability to save lives.. i wonder if i'm up to it.. you can't just be if you want to be.. i thought of taking forensic science and deal with dna samples.. it's interesting, pays quite well, exciting but can cause emotional problems.. cause i might think too much. basically, anything that interests me, i'm not afraid to try and master.. so there are just so many doors to choose, i wonder which door is truly mine to open. oh.. wanted to serve in the army too =) trains discipline which i may lack sometimes.. [and no.. i will not be like that madame who came that day and wish to serve as a supporting role.. no. given my character, it would not satisfy me..] i love to talk talk talk.. so i considered public relations.. my dad said i'm crazy. [but he's introverted. heh. doesn't like to socialise.. so i can't trust him that i'm crazy, right? ok... maybe just a little..]which way to go? will someone Up there give me a sign? i know i love bio a lot.. that's one sign.. but can it be narrowed down? plus.. bio isn't the only thing in my life.. sigh.. any ideas?

jasmine is cute. ^^ not that one, me! me! ms sim. haha. super narcistic. [no, i just need to love myself, currently not loving enough] you can love me too.. i know im very lovable ;) jack.. don't melt ... haha

want to change my blogskin.. hard time designing and learning all da html thing.. but im not giving up yet..
sigh, feel so unloved at times when i know that there's so much out there.. so where did all the love go? i used to seek attention(perhaps i still do) i love affection, i love to give love and show that i care(i really do) but lately, I've grown tired. Ya, you would ask how is it possible to get tired of love right? maybe it's because the people you are loving are also humans.. sometimes i think humans are more difficult to love. (yes, animals are easier. like means like, dislike means dislike. there's no love-hate all at the same time. Dogs can hate you for a moment but still love you later. there are no ill intentions, no deception only honest love that i so wish that humans can show)
what happened to all that love that we used to know? why do people change? why have i changed for the matter? i know reality isn't all that wonderful, i know i have to grow up one day, but i don't want to grow up knowing that i have yet to taste the worst bit of reality. I'm no longer that same silly old me that can laugh all the time, laugh at all the good or bad things.. i can't be like the 'fool' of that tarot cards, walking confidently, not knowing all the dangers that lie ahead. I know how much it hurts to fall and how much it took for me to stand up and continue walking, so i won't be impulsive as to sprint without looking again.. the road to self understanding can be so tiring..
I wonder if I'm making sense.. no maybe I'm not. maybe I'm just uttering nonsense like I always do. i need to find that happy me that's too afraid to show up now..

uh ohh.. been very sinful today. Very Very.. but i thought of it as a test. Cos i wanted to see how tempted and easily influence i could get. I wasn't tempted. So that's good news? I don't think about it all the time and I'm the least bit impressed.[as in if you don't remind me i will not go and recall it deliberately]
so i guess that's good news..
goodness.. >.< ok. enough of sinful curiosity

too tired. Couldn't study bio (for fun.. ya. not even the fun element can make me study) so i gave up and decided to blog.
Things that happen when you are a child have a great impact on your values, principles and how you see the world.. i guess that's why I'm actually a little weird at times.
I remember when i was 8, i wanted to know how deep the sea could be. I wanted to know what it really means to commit suicide ( i wasn't very clear about it.. so guess what?) I bravely took my surfing board and started swimming towards the open sea. Of course, i wasn't and still isn't a good swimmer course no one taught me how. Deeper and deeper i went until suddenly, the currents swept me up and i lost control of the surfing board( yea, it floated away) i thought, 'never mind, i can turn back and swim'
WRONG.
the force of the current was stronger than i thought and swept me further from the shore. My heart started pumping all the adrenaline it has (red alert) It's quite amazing because i realise now that it's natural to struggle. I did. I kicked and tried to wave my arms. I didn't scream though.. and I still can't remember who saved my life..
I was silent on my way home. Can't remember what my thoughts were.. but i guess i stared blankly. So when i saw my folks back home, i was just overwhelmed. I got to see them again! I remember this line when I was sobbing, ' I thought I will never make it back home,' and kept crying..ever grateful that my stupidity didn't kill me. [curiosity kills the cat]
So.. even though I'm truly amazed by the diversity of marine life, even though I love bio a lot.. i will never go out to the sea if i can..
Now, the thought that i gathered from this incident, other than the fragility of life, and the power of nature, I feel that life can be just like what happened at the sea. You are surrounded by many things, many dangers and you are struggling.. what if no one sees you struggling? or pretend not to see it? i ever imagined that i gave up struggling and closed my eyes.. allowing the darkness to take me in. It felt good not to struggle course struggling is tiring. Life is like this. Survival of the fittest. Survival of those who have the courage to survive, who have the will to live on. These people who live on.. have a thirst for something better. They may not know it.. but deep down that bottomless pit, they crave for something that they do not see.. something like a reward for living strong.

THIS IS WHY I LIVE.

what the heck.. browsed through over 7600 blogskins.. nothing suits me.

i'm hard to please right..

finally.. FINALLY! Promos are over. Like the last time, I'm better off dead. I can't sense the joy that i get from the liberation. Because, I know very well that i faired badly. Today was my last and supposedly favourite paper- biology. yet, i lost it. i've never suffered such a major blank-out [that means forgetting most that i've learnt] It's all my fault for leaving it till the day before to start revision. I know i have myself to blame. There's no next time if i really screw this one up. Don't have to try to comfort me because you have no idea how screwed things are.
Prediction for promotional exam results:
GP: D (if i get this, well, i guess it's enough for this year)
Econs: C ( i worked for this.. if i don't get it.. then that's just too bad)
Maths: E (I'm praying very hard for a pass only. Skipped a lot.)
Physics: C ( I tried.)
Chem: C (it's my weakest but i hope to get this)
Bio: E (don't ask why)

I wanted to talk about more happy things.. but this last paper totally ruined my mood and plus the lecture that i got from my dad.. don't ask.

I think i should go running.. it's been a long time since i last stretched my muscles..

Last thing.. I've been thinking about what love means.. So far there is still no definite answer but i love my dad though he is totally psyche. yet, he can be a real softie and ha i like the soft side most of the time. Honestly, i think i wouldn't have been so disciplined without him.. We've been supporting each other all the time. If there's something called fate or what other's call God, then i think fate/god is nice enough to let me meet him. There's totally no reason why someone unrelated can love me so much. I know he loves me madly. If anything happened to me, he would rather be in my place. So you see.. though he's weird, he's equally lovable and I'm really so thankful to have someone who loves me and will really REALLY try to be there when I'm in trouble.
So there's another kind of love that you have for others.. what people call couples' love. Me? I haven't really got much idea on that one.. Just a little more about me. Most would think that I show love easily and well maybe that's true.. but i can be quite an introvert on that at times.. i may be more afraid to love than you think. I'm afraid of commitments especially those forced upon people.. so i only love when i willingly do so (am I making sense?) I'm glad that there are people who love and care about me and i wish i can put away all my doubts so that i can give what little love i have to all that i care about..

Really tired. Sometimes, i do wish that there's someone i can lean on and yup just spend a few quiet moments and feel the wind currents moving around us..

Turn up da speaker! hehex my favourite song for now..=) hope you'll like it too

No more camourflage I wanna be exposed
and I'll be afraid to fall

oh I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence that I have
cannonball into the water
I'm gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have
for you i will
you always want what you can't have
but i..got to try
I'll muster every ounce of confidence I have
for you i will
for you i will
for you i will..

check out da *items required section when free ;)

Holidays started and before you know it, it's gone with the wind. Much revision undone. I wanna do well! ='( really afraid i would be a disappointment to myself. But I'm much calmer lately.. at least I'm not severely stressed. somehow I have this feeling that I'll pull through. It's the same feeling that i get each time i know something should be fine (and mostly turns out well) but i just want to make sure things will go the way i want it to go. still, sometimes it's not up to me to decide, but i wanna make sure i do my part well =)

got through biolympiad selection test.. when i got the news i didn't exactly feel anything..should i be happy or not? do i deserve it? i didn't really do much. it was really [really]a one day revision. there are so many smarties out there.. still i'd like to give it a try =) for my love!

bio rocks.

bio SPA today. Disaster. to begin with, the unit for the balance was wrong..wasted 10 minutes. Fortunately, Ms Wong came to my rescue. Some weren't so fortunate..
and where the heck did my common sense go?!! my logical brain tells me that it should be 1 cm cube. why the heck did i follow my stupid intuition and put a bloody 0?!!!!!

ENOUGH SAID.

yay! bio selection test's over! man, i studied for it..and whatever i studied came out..whatever i didn't study, well, didn't. It's really miraculous. I just studied those that i felt like studying and i kept spelling fimbriae wrongly and it was tested! Feeling really blessed. i was really so stressed in the day (oh at 3am) and i just flipped open the book that ZM and Co bought for me.. it showed this..
[fear] Be strong and courageous! do not be afraid of them!the lord your god will be ahead of you. He wil neither fail you or forsake you. Remind yourself that god is always with you. Your situation may be generally threatening, but god has not abandoned you and he promises to stay with you.
[promises]
isaiah 41:10 Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victiorious right hand
leviticus 26:6 I will give you peace in the land, and you will be able to sleep without fear.
[oh and i did fell asleep at about 10am..too tired, I can't care less]

of course..i don't know how true it can be..just sharing what i did and =) when you are afraid, you can try and calm yourself down by thinking that things will be fine. (can call that positive thinking too)

Just try your best ;)

Back. it's really tiring to study for such long hours and it's worse when it comes to the hols. because there's no time limit for one to stop(unless you fall face flat on the table..get what i mean.) At least we would stop studying at 1 plus on normal days. now it's around 3? I'm becoming a national treasure soon. yes, both the eyes and the mass. rah! (i sound like one too)
we had this correlation and regression lecture today and boy, that was one express-way to finish it so beautifully. all i see are numbers, facts and figures...
Time's up, time's running and I better go.

this will be a long journey..

I meant to put this up on this day but it's actually 28/8 already. this may be the last few times i get to blog before i face the promos..at least I must have the discipline not to come up so often anymore until the whole thing is over. so let me say my last words..
no. no more thank you speech ha. I'm sure you'll get tired of them. Just random thoughts..
1. i think I [am] fat. Remedy: watch my diet and hit the gym after promos.
2. I wish I was a guy. I see guys half naked (top of course) while training and I wish I could do that too. Can imagine the air resistance on that bare chest. Cool right? Ok, I'm shallow haha. following alvin
3. maybe it's been too long since I was a convent girl.. Is it right to lift up your skirt and adjust the shorts in public?? no matter what, I had a good time watching.
4. I know many aunties out there are still uneducated but I'm sure they know how to use a toilet bowl right? basically, you just sit there and well,do your thing. [NOT SQUAT THERE!] or do you need people to draw a cartoon strip showing you how to do your business?!
5. It's fun and tiring being a girl. So I'm still playing with the idea of being one. Hope I don't get tired of it.

running out of time. Let's work hard together and we will surely get promoted!

hihi I'm back.. yes promos are coming and i really pray that i'll promote. After all that serious talk with the teachers and my dad who's always saying that I'm gonna fail, i better prove them all wrong. It's possible right? even if i don't have faith in myself, i can believe in the miracle worker.. so many miracles have worked for me..just one more..no a few more will do =]
I'm thankful for all the chem crashing that my teachers and friends gave me.. So sorry, you guys made a choice and there's an opportunity cost incurred because of me >.< thanks wor jackie.. never thought someone could stay so late just to help me =) wa haha. I'm gonna aim high! (shoot low =P) eh no link hehex. i have to aim high ya? if not I dunno if i'll pass. getting really a bit worried cos I must see the exam through..and I won't let anyone including myself, down.

Please keep me going..thank you all.

if your relative gave you $170 for your birthday, does that equate to loving you?.. currently, conflicted.

Feel free to comment.

if you judge somebody, you have no time to love them

sorry for judging you. I still can't bring myself to love you. I don't know how to..

haha..thank you folks..for making my day so sweet and special. started my day at 00 00 in the morning, with a message from apurva and darrie.. next i ate my mian xian, tradition for people who are still not married to eat some noodle thing.
then i was sulkin in the car cos i slept at 1am and just don't feel like going anywhere to celebrate.
haha..i'm a bit lazy to recount what happened. overall, I should be happy.

gifts recieved: notebook, kitty cake, eyore handphone holder, french book, quotations book, mp4 =],dinner out plus choco cake (rocks! =p) most importantly, ang bao!! haha. kidding, that isn't really important..but because 'Someone ' is with me all the time?
don't be jealous ok..hehex

thanks to: GC, XQ (first handshake she offered to anyone), Jan, Jack, ZM, Sel, JJ, Apu, Darrie, CX, Shir, Dad, Mum, XH, Esther, Jiaying, JT, Xinyi, guitar ensemble, Monica, Kaiyun, Vanessa, Sha, YQ, Ben(don't have to remember the exact time ya? but thanks hehex), my little niece oh and to someone who made all these possible? hahaz

not in any order ok? thank you all for being so thoughtful.

last thing, jackie is purely ionic, me purely covalent. we do not 'like' dissolve 'like' cos there's different interactions between us. And so, there is no chemisty between us! ok? =]

oh..still, happy birthday Jackie..plus, darrie, hui ying, apu's dad, yong sheng, jamie, jasmine koh and me =)

yay!! my chem SPA is finally OVER!! it's the best SPA ever!! I had time to check =) Though I fought the mini battle on my own, I couldn't have done it without my buddies and help from my folks..special thanks to Zhuang Mao (sorry! always bothering you, hope I'm seriously not affecting you), Jackie boy (hehex..thanks for da last minute crash course that strengthened my revision), Mrs Kong( thank you so much for taking your morning time to answer some of my questions, yup I should start studying!) Jia Ting( hahaz thanks for keeping me in prayer) Papa (haiyo, you shouldn't have stayed up with me till 12..see? still coughing away, now you make me worried) Mama (thanks for your coffee and I could sleep properly until it was 2..-_-) Haha..there's just so much to be thankful for! sigh..Life is so unfair..I mean, I'm too lucky..just feel a bit well, sad for those who aren't as lucky as me. And that's why, I shall live happily for those who are down. =)

Yay, I'm finally turning 17. Not very significant huh. Oh well, it doesn't matter. The thing is.. my [parents] forgot about it last year (sorry i can't put the words in caps. [] used to represent.) That's fine too. Maybe they are just too busy and can't really be bothered. I don't expect presents..i just want you to care..but seriously, you don't. and I won't blame you guys.. Because to make up for that, I already have many people caring for me =)

For this, I'm thankful.

I guess I'm back to normal again. In fact, I'm better than normal =) Despite the fact that there is much homework to be done, chem SPA (my most feared thing of the week), bio trial SPA, math lecture test this week, many other things all overwhelming me, I feel calm.
It's really a different and special feeling. No longer do I fret over not completing my tasks, because i know with determination, I will eventually do so.
I just feel so fortunate because there are so many people who do care about me. Take for instance, my dad. Demanding as he may be, he did it all for the love he has for me. (Now, he's ill. Must be too mad at me =P Hope he'll get well soon.) Whenever I'm in some form of trouble, there will always be help somewhere and comfort.
In life, there are many things we cannot control. We have to embrace life as it comes and cherish everything we have. I'm thankful for all that I have. I may not have everything, but I don't need everything. I just need love. And it's always there.

Lastly, I've finally got the present that i always wanted. (an mp4! THANKS JIE JIE!! I nearly teared..haha, to think that you told me to 'wait LONG LONG' well, I've waited long enough)

thank You so much.

Throughout my life till now, I've never felt so stupid and so weak before. Maybe it's just a mental block, or maybe I'm just plain stupid. I'm taking ages to understand teachers and they, me. This won't do. If I don't buck up soon, how am I gonna earn my money for my world tour? ( fall back to my surrogation plan?!)
I need to pray. I have been anyway..not just because I'm stressed but I'm finding lesser and lesser people to turn to. Sometimes, there are so many thoughts, I tired of voicing them out. So praying keeps me sane and well, I'm not so tired. Still, I only pray (fullstop) maybe that's not gonna help. I'm just decieving myself.
I don't want to feel stupid. ='( not like this. Ya, I may not be smart but I'm not stupid either. Can you understand that? Am I complaining?
Sobs. I'm tired. confuse. afraid. lost. alone.
I don't want to be like this. I'm not like this..but ='(

*note: this is not a sign of giving up. I'll fight back this time. May the strongest win.

today's my dad's birthday and coincidentally it's Jack's father's birthday too =P but his dad is born one day earlier. Oh well, main point is, we went out to eat at the oriental hotel again. [but the cute guy from malaysia wasn't there haha] the food wasn't too bad and i nearly gorged myself to death, seriously. anyway, I'm glad that dad's happy since he was really sulky in the morning and they all couldn't decide where to eat. [yes, i took the initiative to suggest and they jolly well listen!]

from now on, I shall try to be positive like i was in the past. i've realised that I've shown my weakness a lot more than usual and well it's not very helpful. I can't help others either by being upset most of the time. So, I shall cheer up and work hard for my happiness =)

one way to remove sad thoughts. speak into a bottle filled with water..scold blah whatever you want and pour it all out. =) record all the happy thoughts..haha!

to be happy

It's been a long time since I last talked about tarot. The last card that I wanted to introduce you to was [the tower] It's is one of destruction. Most people won't like this card as it symbolises a total change..You have to start from scratch again and it really isn't a nice feeling when you know things are falling apart and there's no other way but to restart. However, when there's an end, it also signifies a new beginning. So who says starting over is all bad? It's just well, tedious. According to some sources, it's only when things break down do you see the truth..whatever that means. =p

the main that I wanted to say a long time ago is that I have no faith in human relationships.. I have my reasons. Sometimes, things just don't work out. Whenever you have a situation involving someone you care about, either you or that someone will get hurt eventually. Yes, it's a sweeping statement. Yet, the number of unhappy cases in human relationships that i see is much more than happy ones. I just need to look at myself and my own complicated family, I already know having my own family is a definite (well, almost definite) no no. Even my sis is facing her own problems and I know deep down she's hurting so bad.. That's not all..her child, the whimpers and wails, bring back memories of my own. Does she even know she's in the middle of a family crisis? Well I hope she doesn't, cos I did and I wished I didn't.

Perhaps that's why I'm terrified of commitments..i get the idea that it's a responsibility for me to see things through. it's a burden I'd rather not carry. Which is also why I'm hesitant of joining any religious groups. I know it's different but the commitment is the same. The idea of being a surrogate mother as suggested last time is to escape commitment. I don't wish to see anything happen to my child..anything that brings back ghastly memories of the past. I probably won't be a good mother either. (not that anyone's perfect)

Therefore, this brings me to the conclusion that a world tour to liberate people from sorrow, hunger and illness would be the best course of action for me. ;) sounds good right?

Foolish thoughts that make a lot of sense

'Mr Leong, what's another word for childhood?', I asked ever so innocently. He answered, ' Jasmine,' '
How nice.
ok..it was meant to be funny but I guess it's quite a big problem for me. For a start, I know that I'm not maturing mentally, emotionally and spritually. It may not really be a big thing to others but it is the key for me to adapt and find the 'balance'. This is especially the case since I'm now in JC and we are treated as young adults and have to 'grow up' Obviously I'm not growing up. (physically, maybe =P) if you observed me in school, I guess you would understand.
The plus side is, I'm not really affected by the 'adult' world. [you may think that I'm sick in the mind, but I don't think I'm really that sick deep down =D]
Ya..I think the sentences aren't really linking up and I'm still as confused as ever. I can't take care of myself very well..I don't know how I'm ever going to change that.(been like a kid who needs his mum) can't help it since I'm an ENFP..of course they said this sorta thing can change over time.
I don't forsee it changing anytime soon.

Here's a sick question that I thought of: What's it like to be pregnant? I think it would be a wonderful experience and a must try =D (cos the men don't get it) Yet, the thought of the commitment after the experience puts me off..so guess what I thought of? Yes! a surrogate mother! haha!
Of course, before that, a quick way to earn money is to donate your eggs to infertile couples. Afterall, you don't need all the eggs do you? In US, I guess each egg can at least fetch $4500. *note: I said guess

Oh well, after that, I'll go on my world tour.. see? I'm an unrealistic freak with the IQ of a 5 year old right?

Sometimes..it's better to be ignorant..

many things to say but little time to put them all down.

1) What's the big deal about birthdays? I kinda think that it doesn't have much meaning anymore.. so what if the person is one year older? It is just like any other day.. the trees age and they are marked with rings on their trunks. The plants grow old and die. 'All things shall perish under the sky..' Sometimes I wished people 'happy birthday' sincerely. yes, they are delighted that you remembered..but so? It's just meaningless. yes, it would be nice if you remembered my birthday but..it's just one day. it's just an ordinary day. they day when you were born, many others died. while you are still alive and celebrating, many still die and others are mourning. I don't know why I brought this up, but it's just something in my little brain.

2) I help a certain someone but i think it's getting a little overboard. look, I help you because I chose to but that doesn't mean that you can depend on me all the time. (yes, i know i'm dependable, but that's besides the point) I really don't like this feeling cause I'm a freeman/ woman.. i need to be close and i need to be free. so can you freakin get off my back for once? ok, a little crude but i hope you get the point.

3) I haven't been able to sleep well and I know.. I asked for it. Sleep paralysis as the name suggest, is the feeling of being paralysed while in your sleep. A little more to that, your brain is concious and you know that you can't move your body. The first time it happened, I willed myself to get up and out of it. The second time, I knew it was coming and let it be.. that was quite a scare. It came thrice in series, with a feeling a suffocation and hearing weird loud buzzing/mumbling sound. yes, I prayed feverishly. maybe I shouldn't pray..don't know why. I just wanted to distract myself and make time pass..

anyway..that's all for now.

May there be light..

i don't know what's wrong with me..just look at the bloody time. ='( lost and hurt. i just want my pillow. is that a lot to ask for? back to bed now..try and get some rest before the next horrible day starts..i feel like swearing..='( not that it helps.
for your info, it's 3.08 am

good morning.

i wonder if i say good morning with the right attitude anymore..='(

ok. it's been a while since i've last blogged. I'm going to touch on more important things than tarot interpretation today. I was really tired..guess it's the same for everyone else. Been rushing my projects till 2 plus for a couple of days.
First, I want to thank everyone for the success on Community Service cum Racial Harmony day. Things would not have gone so smoothly without everybody's help. Special thanks to KSA buddies for helping out since we were seriously shorthanded. That day, we led a group of boys from the Malay Home in singing a national day song. Initially, we were uneasy. thankfully, with some encouragement from the others and I, we were more united and sang aloud. Then, we had this pictionary game and I'm sure everyone else enjoyed it, especially the boys. That was a tiring, fun, and meaningful day. I missed the boys =).
Next, I want to share about the things I have learnt from my buddies so far.. Well, for a start, I've learnt that they brush their teeth after every meal. (I'm gonna try that too!) They have 3 years in seconday and 3 years in JC. that's so much better than our system (Why am I born in Singapore?!) They will also wait for everyone to finish their meal before clearing up and leaving. (yup, I was the last one eating) to me, the people are generally shy..maybe that's because they have not known us for long. Lastly, I feel that I'm really not a good host. Sigh, I wished I could participate more in the activities.. Have been apologising to my buddy though he said he's never been angry. (makes me feel worse =P) I'll try to keep him happy though
Oh, he saw that I was really stressed when doing chemistry. Guessed what he said? 'cheer up!' haha..that's what i say to people usually.
I seriously need help in chemistry. Seriously.
I shall end my post here for now. au revoir
*to those who are ill, get well soon =)

finally! all the results are back..surprise surprise. I've finally got my one and only B..I'm really quite happy today. I love bio and well I know that if I worked hard, nothing is unreachable. Sigh..still have so much to work on. Sometimes I'm so tired..I think the bed is my best friend now. Can't think very clearly right now..

I'll talk about [The tower, xvi] next time round! sorry..

I've gotten back al my results 'cept for bio. I haven't done briliantly but I ought to be thankful for what I scored. Honestly, I think I could have done worse..I shan't put them up here but you can ask me personally if you so desperately want to know and bitch about it. Haha.. kdding. ;) just ask if you are curious.
One of the most upsetting thing is that I failed chem. I saw it coming so that's why I wasn't emotional about it. I think I felt a tear in my eye but my heart was too cold to let it drop. Somehow, I've gotten the balance of my life. Just in case you are wondering, I've always imagined the universe as some form of a pattern and this pattern is part of a bigger pattern. Yea, something along that line. Many things are in cycles and many things come in pairs. Also, even those things that are odd or weird will follow some unique pattern. Ok, I may not be making much sense but just think about it.. That's also probably why I love bio. There's a pattern that I see..it just links everything up. Oh and so does History ;) Oh well, everything has patterns! haha

today's card is [temperance, xiv]
temperance is a card of balance. Someone who can adapt to situation with grace and ease. When you draw this card, it should mean that you are calm and in control of the events around you. Oh this word is also 'temperare' in Latin. the picture usually seems to show a female figure, probably an angel, pouring water from 2 vessels. So it's like blending and signifies harmony.. of course when it's reverse, the meaning should be something of chaos.
gotta run!

Hi, I'm back. Today, everything seemed to have slowed down. It took me till 1pm to be fully awake. Meaning, I nearly slept through the chem lecture. Must have been due to the cold weather and the cold LT. I prayed for lotsa rain but haha, I didn't need to much rain. Anyway, it's good. At least there's some balance. Life's going on very well though I'm still a little giddy from all the rides..(as in, all the activities)
Oh, I quit my cca and now I'm in something I never thought I would join. I think it doesn't matter at the end of the day. So I'm trying not to think too much about it.

Today's card is [the moon, xviii]
to me, the moon is a mysterious thing. all the waxing and waning.. we keep seeing the moon differently. when applied to a question, we can perhaps think that not everything we see is the truth. At one time, the moon looks like a cresent (just as if something seems to be correct) then at other times it takes a different shape (so the what was correct then is different now)
Moral of the story, never trust what you see immediately. Especially when it is a human =P.
When I look at the moon sometimes, I get sorta hypnotised. I begin to think of things that may not be true, Like dreams or ideals. The moon seems to have a 'power' of illusion and so..we ought to learn not to get carried away..

there must be some kinda jam earlier on. I couldn't log on. Today, I'm a little lazy. Nevertheless, I shall bring to you..Death.
yes.. [Death.xiii] is well..the thirteenth card in the Major Arcana. It does not mean physical death most of the time. It symbolises change, transformation and renewal. Most of the time, people fear Death. They fear change for they do not know if it is for the better or worse. However, they forgot the fact that staying status quo might also mean stagnation. It's like, if you greive over something and refuse to move on, you will stay in this stage forever. Why not learn to let go a little, trust that there would be something better ahead.
I like changes. I may be a little uncomfortable because it's something new and I need time to adjust. However, even if things are going well, I would still go for a change as it's getting new experience and I would definitely learn something. Perhaps that's also part of the reason why I chose economics rather than History. I love history and I'm still holding on to it. It's just that I don't want to deny myself of a chance to pick up something new. =)
so..don't fear changes. It's precisely why humans are able to adapt. that's the basic definition of anything alive. the ability to adapt. Be brave, and move on. There are always greener pasture if you are willing to look at it.

Last thing. OH MY GOD!! I ate so many nuggets..i think I'm bloated. haha. like at least 15 can? I'm so sick.. wahaha.. shall practice and go for international nugget eating competition? *kidding. ok time to go

ciao!

finally..finally!!! it rained. I have been praying and creating nonsense chants..hoping that the rain would fall. This lousy weather has caused me much trouble..the frustration, getting irritated at the slightest things..ah well. Still, I hope there will be more rain coming. The poor grass and other animals would pretty much love it too. Guess what? I have a half day waiting for me later on..Haha, going out with my beloved mei mei ;) any idea what type of shirts do guys wear..
I still can't rid the thought of tearing singlets and pouring ice cold water down...haha..Mr Thong would be the best person I use to visualise this. Yay, he's my ultimate frisbee teacher! woot!

oh I've got some work to do..stupid Calculus of variations! I won't care that The Taylor Series is some kinda freak equation that gives a solution to a problem. I don't care that bubbles can only form in a particular way or what. That's the problem with mathematicians..they've got too much time and have got to come up with some freak stuff to torture poor people like ok..me..who simply can't even do E-math. Look, I didn't know that 0.003 and 0.3 are both 1 sig fig..that's quite bad already. Sigh..and so life goes on.

Sorry, there won't be any card interpretation today. Have to do that calculus thing..

One thing I like about Singapore:
It's sunny.
One thing I dislike about Singapore:
It's sunny!
Today's 32 degrees..ain't any better than yesterday. Usually, I can get by the day without drinking water. Now, I'm desperately asking my friends for water. That's something you don't see me doing everyday cos' I usually don't remember the need to drink water..
Ya, we ought to be thankful because it's 40 degrees in Germany and hotter in the deserts. The thing is, there are too many buildings in Singapore and look at the roads..it's hot, black concrete, soil, cement and what nots or packed together.. No wonder the weather is hotter than it should be. And think about this..when you turn on the air- con(assuming yours isn't environmental-friendly) You are generating heat to the surroundings too! that's a negative externality! of cos, I'm guilty too. Can't stand this heat. Feels like a fever is coming..this stupid headache that's been bugging me since yesterday..
I wish I were a guy. I've been replaying this scene in my head several times. Imagine a guy who's at home, really pissed off by the heat. Then, he tears his shirt apart! Grab's a 1.5 litre bottle of ice cold water and pours it down his head!! wahaha..won't that be nice if I could do that?

Today's card would be [the sun, xix]

My interpretation:
The sun can be loving and warm..filling this world with light and life. It can also be angry and powerful..scorching you. it is also a bigger part of an entire system. When you get the sun..it can represent the 'self' and usually means something good and positive whether is friendship or work. I like to think that I'm drawing positive energy from my surroundings.
So when you get it reversed, it could mean excess heat..destroying life. Perhaps there's too much ego, vainity and arrogance..hence hindering success.

again..this is just how I percieve..to check out some really cool decks and learn their meanings, go to:

http://www.llewellyn.com/free/tarot.php
http://www.lotustarot.com

Is it just me or is it the same everywhere else? It's 31 degrees today but it feels like 37?!! super warm lately and I can't take it..Especially when my skin is really dry to start with..This weather is making me mad and killing my cells!! Anyway..there's suppose to be scattered thunderstorms later on (please scatter over here!! =D)

One thing that came across my mind..Are there past lives..? Please send me some sign if there is..I want to know who the person with this 'M' in his/her name is. Not very logical but..haha
a random thought..Humans lie..dad always says..never trust another human..I guess I'm beginning to see why

Anyway, I shan't be too bothered..gonna focus on my studies first! Same goes to everone. I think there's something wrong with the atmosphere..ok surroundings.. So, I'm gonna say this cheesy phrase 'I'll bring light to this world!' =) haha

oh one more thing..in order for me to truely have time for learning tarot..I shall give an explanation of what each card means..serve to strengthen my bond with it too..So, I 'll give it a try ;)
au revoir

Hello to all..After taking so much time thinking about life, I've finally thought of what I should do. First, I want to be the old me (not the childish part)..the me that used to trust and love without judging. Mother Thereasa said,'If you judge someone, you have no time to love them..' So ya..Why judge people? It takes time..eveybody needs love, so give love..=)

If I want to be happy, I must choose to be happy. It's all a matter of perspective actaully..Nothing can be too bad..even if we must grieve, we must learn to move on soon.. Life has actually given us a lot of things to be happy for. Yea..I'm begining to start looking on the bright side again. Embrace every good thing that comes your way and remember them..

Back then, I guessed I was trapped in my own dark 'hole'. I can't seem to get out..I would represent it with the Eight of Swords..the chains were loose and all I had to do was get out..but I was blindfolded..

So now I shall use Strength and The Fool..to take a risk (though there really isn't one) and use my faith and courage to step out..I know I'll find something good =)

I had this really bad dream and what's worse, it seems as if I could feel it. First, there was this guy who couldn't be put down by bullets.(well, sounds like superman right? yea..bullet proof) then, somehow, he came to my home and I just got this feeling that he ain't good. I distracted him and then got out of the house. fast. Outside, it was dark and I started running. Why I got afraid was because I couldn't run fast at all. Imagine things in slow motion. Yea that was how it went. Somehow I got back into the house later on in the dream(maybe I thought the safest place was the most dangerous one) and the door opened. Thank goodness it wan't that guy but my mum =) The rest of the dream isn't really relevant from then on..except I suggested we should keep a guard dog (but I was worried it would not be spared by that murderous looking guy)

According to www.dreammoods .com
Running To dream that you are running away from someone, indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions. In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.
To dream that you are trying to run but cannot make your feet move as fast as you want them to, signifies lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. It may also reflect your actual state of REM paralysis while in the dream state.
To dream that you are running alone, signifies that you will advance to a higher position and surpass your friends in the race for wealth. Alternatively, you may be running from some situation or from temptation
Escape To dream that you escape from jail or some place of confinement, signifies your need to escape from a restrictive situation or attitude. On the other hand, it may mean that you are taking an escapist attitude and are refusing to face up to problems that are not going away.
To dream that you escape from injury, from an animal, or from any situation, signifies your good health and prosperity. You will experience a favorable turn of events.

One last thing.
Is this anaemia? Yellowish palm, slightly bluish nails..and feeling lethargic..

It's over!! Yea..my common tests are over. So am I. Let's analyse how badly I've done.

Bio not bad
Chem R.I.P
Math bad
Econs ???
Physics R.I.P
GP ???

On the whole, I'm quite dead. I'm definitely gonna fail physics. I thought the paper would end at 10 50am but it was 10 15!!! when the guy said, 'You have 15 minutes left.' I was like..huh? 50 minutes right..no 15!!!!!!!! Oh my shit! mailto:$@&*%&amp;^ I started rushing like mad and goodness..I don't know how many questions I'd skipped. That moment, I felt lousy. I felt that everything went wrong. What's worse, I got a scolding from my dad. Cos' I clearly showed that I have failed and I guess he's worried that I would turn out like my bro.
Yesterday, I got really afraid cos' I didn't want to do badly for the last test, biology. I was close to getting a fever, 37.5 degrees. I suppressed all my feelings and started studying the moment I got back home. Even when I napped, I dreamt that he was scolding and saying how lazy I was. Guess what? I didn't sleep till 3 in the morn. I know it's not the right way but it was the only way and somehow it works all the time. At least for me.

I'm gonna step down from my post as CT rep for real.. Yes, it's his idea. Again, I just hate unnecessary conflict. I'm so sorry to have let everyone down..All my fault for not doing well. ALL MY FAULT. So, let it be =( and I guess I'll have to change my cca as well.. I'm so tired..
this lfe is so miserable. I can't convince myself that it's a trial to test my strength or what but I never give up..can someone just be there to let me lean on? to be by my side and rest with me...give me some comfort?

I wanna thank a special person who came in just at the right time to comfort me. Yes, mei mei, it's Zhuang Mao. Cos I knew the chances of me doing well for chem was near 0. I think he saw me being really tired though I didn't let all my weakness show. He said,' I have something for you,' then he took out something from his pocket.

Guess what?

It was 'peace'. At that moment, I cried.. I can't keep up the facade that everything was under control. I kept trying to read the notes, salvaging my last dying minutes. ( come to think about it, I was going to die anyway right? no point trying. But I think trying to live is natural) So, at least I faced 'death' more calmly.. thanks buddy =)

Peace be with you.

I said I would update on what happened that fateful day when I had to go back right? It turned out better than I expected. They didn't ask any tough questions (I was spared =P)

So we had Vienna International Seafood and Teppanyaki buffet at The United Square. I think that was the first time my father had buffet and so..he was really shy and didn't dare to take a lot of food. But that was the (i don't know how many)th time I went for a buffet and so.. I guess I shocked him and the others. Naturally I had a larger appetite than the rest=P (trained it ya?)

I never really liked seafood because I'm allergic. Pity isn't it? I still tried lobster for the first time. It was cold..and I don't think it really tasted different from a prawn? sorry. guess I just haven't learn to appreciate seafood.

When we got back to my home. I really wanted to wish my father a happy birthday but the words were just so difficult to mouth. Eventually, it took me a lot out nerve to just look at him in the eyes and say, ' Pa,Happy Birthday'. He just smiled, nodded and left.
I think it's really strange..I can say happy birthday so easily to anyone else, just two simple words. Yet..it's so difficult at times.

I have to start studying. Exams are just round the corner. Pray that I do well..must earn my first million dollars by the time I'm 30? =D that's just a target.

I'm gonna change the blogskin real soon..it's gonna be dark or at least..mad..like me.wahaha

madness reigns

I really hate to dwell on unhappy things. People who know me will understand. But each time I look at the situation, I look at the unhappy things that are still there, I get lost. I get unstable. It's like reopening a wound that's sealed many times. Every time I go back to them, that was how it felt. I'm lucky because after awhile, after not looking at the pain for so long and busying myself with my work, I forgot about it. When I face it, everything comes back. How I got this wound, how it hurts time and again, how much I want to remove the scar.
Yea..I've been thinking that maybe I allowed all this to happen and it's my fault because I only sweep things under the rug. (i'm lazy =D) But what else can I do? I can't trash things out with them. So I chose to ignore them.

The scars remind me..that the past is real..

Tell me. Tell me when will all these stop? It will stop if you let it stop. ( I'll say, try it yourself. without swearing)
One thing that I thought was, I won't hate my parents but I hate what they do. However, I've come to the point that I don't care what they do, so long as they don't drag me in. I really tired and I think I'll just end here and see what happens when I get home. (call that a home?)

I wish I don't have to..

Sometimes I don't understand why my parents were the Chosen Ones to create me. So that I can laugh at them? Or perhaps to save them in future? I don't mean to be ungrateful but can you really call them parents? Even calling 'Pa' seems weird now, seriously. (not to mention my affectionate way, 'daddy'. There are different perspectives to the same thing. I heard this on a TV drama. ' A cloud can look like a sheep on one side but a monster on the other' Right now, I can only see the monsters. Maybe they are monsters on both sides? My dad, I haven't got much to say. Let's just call him, the black guy. After all, he's the reason why I'm so dark. (My guardian suspects that I have some Malay blood in me. Oh well, can't tell for sure but I do read Malay like a Malay) My mum, she's the ultimate. Call her A.Hitler. Arrange the words and you get- the Liar. (quoted from horrible histories)I can't beat her in lying. (No wonder she can't stand me.=P)

I don't think all these that I've said are gonna hurt them because they'll never know. Even if they do, I think it's a wake up call to them that I'm not feeling like family with any of them. It's not that I haven't tried. It's just that each time I tried, things never got better and so.. If money's all they want, then they just have to wait. Because money is something that I can give when I grow up. If love is what they want, then sorry. Because they have planted a money tree and watered it with 'shui'(a.k.a water, which means money in chinese) They have forgotten the fertiliser( I guess you know what that is) And I have shown that I needed that..

Anyway, Happy Fathers' Day in advance. I wanna thank you both for giving me such 'good' genes. Know why I'm gonna live alone in future? Cos, I wish I don't have to see another me, suffering. I'm thankful because all this is gonna end right here, with me.

Don't worry, I won't disappoint you guys. Just wait for the money to roll in.

What fools..

I guess I was a bit too stressed the past few days..Had a headache that forced me to sleep even though I hate to.. From now on, I'll do my best to be happy and yes..well, I am stronger than you think! Even robots need to rest ya? For your information, an incinerator that works 365 days non-stop needs a break to repair it's worn out parts too. =D hope people out there who are just as stressed can finally walk out of their stress-war zone for awhile..

One more thing, I pray that the people in Indonesia would be safe from any other disaster especially the volcano eruption that may happen anytime.. I think we should all be thankful because while you are sitting here reading a blog, worrying if you can pass the next exam or test, they are worrying if there would be food tomorrow or would they even see tomorrow. I pray they will stay strong and learn that life must go on.. (learnt that from them too)

If you can contribute in any manner, even a small donation can go a long way.

http://www.indonesiarelief.org/modules.php?name=Content&pa=showpage&pid=7
Indonesia Relief accepts donations
The people in Yogyakarta are in dire need of food, clothing, medical supplies, and shelters.To make it easier that your donation goes as fast as possible to those who need, we take only cash, check or money order for donations.
Following are different ways you can donate:
Check or Wire TransferAccount name : Dana Bantuan (Fund Assistance) Memo : Yogyakarta Relief Fund Address : Bank of America 730 15th Street, NW 7th Floor – Washington DC, 20005 Account Number : 0019-2153-1110Receipt will be issued for you.
Online Donation through PayPal on our websiteAccepts credit card/debit card
IMAAM (a non-profit, charitable, religious organization serving Muslims in DC, MD, VA) also accepts donation on their website at http://www.imaamnet.org.

This is the start of the hols and I'm already thinking it's gonna end very soon. I don't know what's wrong but I can't get the negative thoughts out of my mind. Each time I forget that I was upset about something, I remember it a few hours later because some idiot would bring it up.

Yes, I'm financially insecure. Talking about this, I have to say, I HATE my mother. The word is HATE. Don't try to change that because she's really not a good mother. If she were, she wouldn't have dumped me and say that I'm not her responsibility. Becasuse of her, she owes people over a thousand dollars. I keep thinking of how to clear up her mess and I even set up a piggy bank just for the purpose. I can't stand my guardian's nagging, telling me how dire our situation is. This happens EVERY single morning. That's why I'm pissed in the morn. I start it off badly. Or rather, it was started badly. There's no way to ignore it because somehow, what they say is true and I'm beginning to feel the effects. And heck, no one clears my mess.

Sometimes I would really laugh at myself. I can tell others to keep going, don't give up, be there to help them on their way.. Some think that I'm a person they can turn to, to seek advice and comfort. Truth is, I don't know how strong I am. I need a break too. I need it soon. But I'm not getting it. I need someone to turn to when I'm lost, to lean on when I'm tired. I don't know how much spiritual strength I have. Cos' I don't know how to rely on it. I'm soo tired.. can you understand?

I can't believe this. Had my chem spa today. I knew I was weak in skill C and so I practiced. Practice practice practice and I think I didn't have enough.. I was not nervous at all..the day before and the day itself. I felt so sure that I could do any question. Yet..

When it was my turn, I took a freaking 15 minutes just to find what the concentration of KMnO4 was. (It was already given, but was right at the bottom of the page. I mean, what the heck is wrong with the teachers?! This is a national exam (and yes, I'm in national) Can they at least follow the layout that cambridge would use? Don't tell me that cambridge also give concentrations of solutions that the end of the question. This is so totally not acceptable (at least for me))
I went on calculating and yea, this worked out fine until the very last part of the question. I couldn't find the value of x. The thing is, I know the answer. Somehow, I was able to calculate it. However, I just couldn't put it down on paper! At the end of the exam, I realised the way to do it was using empirical formula.. And it was till then, I finally found the solution..

Too late..It was all too late.

This was one of the battle that I was prepared to win and yet..it wasn't as perfect as I felt and imagined it to be.. I really tried so hard..perhaps I didn't try hard enough? If I tried hard enough, I won't have napped in the library for an hour before the exam.

I feel that I have lost once again, to my inner enemy. I can hear her snigger and laugh at my foolishness, laugh at my every futile attempt to beat her. [I repeat, I'm not really supposed to be a science student]

I'm such a moron.

ok..I know why..I keep getting in trouble cos I can't keep my mouth shut. ='( and I get everyone around me upset cos I'm always so headstrong, thinking that I'm right. Is that why I keep losing the ones dear to me? Oh my goodness..It's my fault again

note* the previous post which involved my friend and I happened when we were both young and immature. I hope none of you would take that to heart, especially kh.. I don't wanna lose you again ok?

in conclusion, never try to resolve issues when your head is not clear. things that CAN go wrong, WILL go wrong.

NOTE TO SELF: NEVER EVER PUT SENSITIVE THINGS ON BLOG. CAN GET INTO A LOT OF TROUBLE

I beg for forgiveness if I have offended anyone. I thank you all because you made me learn.

I'm back! I was ill for a few days and slept like a dead log. Today, I'm gonna discuss a few things that revolve around friendship..or relationship in general.

For those ex 4E1'05 people, just in case you do not know this, CX and XY are not on very good terms now. For details, I think you can check CX's blog. However, remember to check with XY and a third party too (cross reference) So, what do I have to say? The thing is, 2 very good friends turned into arch enemies..and of course, this kind of thing don't happen over night. Each time one party tries to justify his stand, the other would use it to create even more horrible things about him. For example, A: I didn't do it purposely. B: Look! He did that deliberately. Under this kind of situation, it's best to leave things as they are for the moment. I know because similar incidents happened to me and back then, when I was immature, I cried and verbally hurt my friend. After listening to both XY and CX and giving some advice, I hope they would be able to work things are. For their case, it's rather hard to resolve and I predict, they may never be best friends as they were ever again.

Of course, I'm very thankful for my case because things worked out very well. I can still talk to my friend and even when I have trouble, he'll still be there. =) Lucky, aren't I? Even if things don't work out, I would still cherish the fun times we had and the times we spent practising together and the concerts..

Next, my very good friend broke up with her guy. Well, it's a very normal thing to breakup and patch again. I think I saw that(the breakup) coming. Told her that any form of BGR at this point of time can't really last long (there are exceptional cases)

What I'm thinking is that, relationships with people can be good or bad depending on how you handle it. I don't know for others, but I think, good instincts sometimes help to choose friends and react to difficult problems. All I can say is that, I thankful for all the good people that I've met in my life. Perhaps, I always think that everyone is good? All maybe it was all planned after all..

I'm soo happy today.. Yes, I'm starting to pass my tests and keeping the promise that I made in the previous post. Ok, I know many people would have done just as well as me but hey, just gimme some encouragement ok? It's the first time since I don't know when that I passed my tests and it's physics! That's quite a miracle, considering that my physics isn't exactly rock solid and I did my tests using what I've learnt last night.(supposed to learn kinematics as wel but I just memorised 3 equations like 10 minutes before the test?)

Did my bio SPA today and guess what? I nearly laughed my head, butt, everywhere off..^_^ a bit too easy don't you think? But then comes the danger of people getting very good results. Oh well, I can't be bothered since I'll try my best to do very well for the theory paper as well. Bio rocks! No calculations using weird formule required. Isn't that wonderful? Only the processes matter. Ah..I'm enchanted once again. (Did I mention that Bio rocks? =P)

Phew..Funtasia is finally over. Can't help feeling relieved. =) However, I think that Xinmin's food and fun fair is the best! 4E1 '05 rox! Ahh..how I miss the old days. Studying really wasn't as bad now that I'm studying in JC. I missed my dear selene, fel, hammie (favourite food =P), XY (bu yao lian) ,CX(my quiet yet noisy pal), darrie(smart lor), xiao xin (kim) and so many people. Zheng lao shi!!! I missed you so much!! *sobs Oi..when is she getting married? I thought she promised us she would by this year?! Sigh..I want a life that's my own!

I just realised that my dad wanted me to take H2 physics all along. It's just like in the past, he forced my bro to take accounts. But my bro didn't like it and i think he did badly. Similarly, physics is not the subject that I'm good in. He insisted that physics would be useful to my career in future. Why would I want to do something that involves what I don't like?! He started scolding because I was focusing on studying bio. ( The SPA is on Tues, of course I'd try to study that first) In any case, he predicts that I would do badly for my Common tests and decided if that's the case he would just ignore me as I'm deemed hopeless.

I don't know what to say to convince him that he should support my choice. I'm thinking of joining EDB in future. In fact, any path that I choose would be difficult and I need his support. Yet, he thinks that I should just follow the path that he wants to pave for me.. (no..please, I don't want that) I'm really obedient (at least at home) confronting him or telling him that his method wouldn't work is like commiting suicide. Sigh..

ok back to studying.

If skill C was tested today, I would have flunked it with a beautiful oval. I'm serious. I've had enough of my nonsense! How can I keep failing? I've never failed so many times before. Though one will say, 失败乃兵家常事。I'm not used to being the one failing. I win in my battles and I make sure the end result is always with me winning. Now, it seems like I have no control over my battles.
I hate to say this but I feel insecure and sadly, I still cannot trust everyone around me totally. Everything seems so superficial and I just lack that feeling to push forward. Studying should not be like what it is now.. Endless tutorials and lectures. I need to really reflect. Meanwhile, I need support :'( I'm really afraid that I might just break down if things continue as they are. I can't even find time to hug and talk to my toy plush or whatever that helps me de-stress. My dad doesn't even allow me to listen to music! Argh!!!!!!

I got back my math test yesterday. (Tues) It was horrible. Ok. I expected and mentally prepared myself to flunk it. But what I did not prepare was how badly I flunked. The thing is, I'm just disappointed because this is the first time I failed like THIS.
As much as you might have guessed, my dad's nagging and suggesting that I had better leave my cca. I do not know what will happen next but I just hope that this is the last time I would fail like THIS. [okok, I'll try and pass..It's not easy for a math idiot like me. Think I need a dummies guide for math >.<]

yay!!! Why am I so happy? I may not have to quit guitar after all! =) Ms Ng(rox) managed to convince my dad that I should stay. Ya, the deal is that I must do well for my Common tests. My CT and Ms Ng will be helping out with math since I'm utterly hopeless..Yup, and I'll be more of a passive member..At least I get to stay on and I can play with my friends, poke jackie, hug jan n xinhui, joke, help people relax and see my favourite uncle toh! Yes! If that's the comprise I have to make, I accept it =) so everyone is happy. I thank..everyone including..both the fathers..for their kind understanding and patience.=)
I must work very very hard and not disappoint anyone! ok =D time to fulfil my promise.

The Oriental Singapore is really a nice hotel.. You have to go there to see it for yourself. 'melt. the world cafe' also serves wonderful food of all sorts though i would wish for more variety. The people are really friendly and I met the manager who was from NJ! I was wearing my NJ jacket today. The chef from malaysia was really shy. He's not familiar with using english and so had a bit of trouble communicating. I can see that he was trying very hard and he's really cute =P
We earned a net profit of nearly $200 for fund raising. Thank you for all the supporters and helpers. That's what I call team spirit! Try and sell more next time ok? I can't keep selling all the time right?
Sigh, I never knew that doing a project could be so tough and I REALLY stressed up by the immense amount of work I have not done. Plus, I can't stand the fact that I have been failing my tests because I don't fail that often in the past. =( I hope things would turn out fine for my common tests. I will study and prepare for it. If I still fail it, I really don't know how I will react..

Yay! The concert was (quite) a success! ^_^ Saw my friend blush for the first time.. I mean, he's really dark and he blushed! haha. For those who want to see the scandalous skid again..I'll consider giving you the add if the response is good..(means - tag me and say you want to see the skid) A big thank you to all who came down to support us!
The sad bit is..I'm really quitting and it isn't really my wish but I'll do it anyway ='( That doesn't mean I'll give up playing. No! I'll learn and probably get the notes from my guitar mates and learn at home. Then I'll pop by a day or two and practise with the people. I hope that would happen. Meanwhile, I'm considering to join either I&E, ELDDS or anything lighter but suits my personailty. Honestly, music's the best..but I won't repeat myself. ok I really have to sleep =) We did great yesterday! haha
I'm gonna try making muah ji later today! Hope it's good enough for sale..

I must really hand it to my mother. She's been nagging at me for the past 1 hour?! Woah..that's incredible. Ok, the good news is I didn't lose my friend's stuff. It was missing in the first place! And I fianlly passed my 2.4 =) wanna thank my wonderful friends who believed in me in the last lap when I thought I couldn't make it through...
The bad news is, I'm gonna fail my second math test today. Sigh..and I'm gonna quit guitar right after the concert tomorrow. It's really upsetting..but it's better that I pull out now. I know I'll have to sooner or later..I can't put up with my parents' incessant nagging for long. I'll make the best out of my first and last concert for the year =) Life goes on.. it always does. I just have to learn to adjust with the winds..
But life without music is..miserable for me..I felt it in sec 4 and I'm going through it again..

sigh..I got home at 10 30 pm today. That's early already(since I have friends who reach home at 11 plus) I don't know what's wrong but I'm just having bad luck. First, I lost something from a flute and this flute belongs to my friend (who so kindly agreed to lend me..yet ='[..) Then I nearly lost my GC. (cos' I left it in the com lab absent-mindedly) I nearly screwed up for my solo part with my senior during a technical run.
I'm just so stupid! Can't believe I actually cried cos' I couldn't find the missing part for the flute..(I'm really sorry..really =( sobs*) And thanks to all those who helped me look for it. I'm gonna quit guitar after the concert..(not that I'm willing) You can say that no one can force me to do what I don't like WRONG. HE can. He refers to my dad..Really..there's no way to resist him. I tried and I failed..on many occasions. So I see no point trying again cos' it will end the same way sooner or later..with me forced to quit. I rather choose to quit now..else it'll be too difficult once I love guitar with all my heart..