I had this really bad dream and what's worse, it seems as if I could feel it. First, there was this guy who couldn't be put down by bullets.(well, sounds like superman right? yea..bullet proof) then, somehow, he came to my home and I just got this feeling that he ain't good. I distracted him and then got out of the house. fast. Outside, it was dark and I started running. Why I got afraid was because I couldn't run fast at all. Imagine things in slow motion. Yea that was how it went. Somehow I got back into the house later on in the dream(maybe I thought the safest place was the most dangerous one) and the door opened. Thank goodness it wan't that guy but my mum =) The rest of the dream isn't really relevant from then on..except I suggested we should keep a guard dog (but I was worried it would not be spared by that murderous looking guy)

According to www.dreammoods .com
Running To dream that you are running away from someone, indicates an issue that you are trying to avoid. You are not taking or accepting responsibility for your actions. In particular, if you are running from an attacker or any danger, then it suggests that you are not facing and confronting your fears.
To dream that you are trying to run but cannot make your feet move as fast as you want them to, signifies lack of self-esteem and self-confidence. It may also reflect your actual state of REM paralysis while in the dream state.
To dream that you are running alone, signifies that you will advance to a higher position and surpass your friends in the race for wealth. Alternatively, you may be running from some situation or from temptation
Escape To dream that you escape from jail or some place of confinement, signifies your need to escape from a restrictive situation or attitude. On the other hand, it may mean that you are taking an escapist attitude and are refusing to face up to problems that are not going away.
To dream that you escape from injury, from an animal, or from any situation, signifies your good health and prosperity. You will experience a favorable turn of events.

One last thing.
Is this anaemia? Yellowish palm, slightly bluish nails..and feeling lethargic..

It's over!! Yea..my common tests are over. So am I. Let's analyse how badly I've done.

Bio not bad
Chem R.I.P
Math bad
Econs ???
Physics R.I.P
GP ???

On the whole, I'm quite dead. I'm definitely gonna fail physics. I thought the paper would end at 10 50am but it was 10 15!!! when the guy said, 'You have 15 minutes left.' I was like..huh? 50 minutes right..no 15!!!!!!!! Oh my shit! mailto:$@&*%&^ I started rushing like mad and goodness..I don't know how many questions I'd skipped. That moment, I felt lousy. I felt that everything went wrong. What's worse, I got a scolding from my dad. Cos' I clearly showed that I have failed and I guess he's worried that I would turn out like my bro.
Yesterday, I got really afraid cos' I didn't want to do badly for the last test, biology. I was close to getting a fever, 37.5 degrees. I suppressed all my feelings and started studying the moment I got back home. Even when I napped, I dreamt that he was scolding and saying how lazy I was. Guess what? I didn't sleep till 3 in the morn. I know it's not the right way but it was the only way and somehow it works all the time. At least for me.

I'm gonna step down from my post as CT rep for real.. Yes, it's his idea. Again, I just hate unnecessary conflict. I'm so sorry to have let everyone down..All my fault for not doing well. ALL MY FAULT. So, let it be =( and I guess I'll have to change my cca as well.. I'm so tired..
this lfe is so miserable. I can't convince myself that it's a trial to test my strength or what but I never give up..can someone just be there to let me lean on? to be by my side and rest with me...give me some comfort?

I wanna thank a special person who came in just at the right time to comfort me. Yes, mei mei, it's Zhuang Mao. Cos I knew the chances of me doing well for chem was near 0. I think he saw me being really tired though I didn't let all my weakness show. He said,' I have something for you,' then he took out something from his pocket.

Guess what?

It was 'peace'. At that moment, I cried.. I can't keep up the facade that everything was under control. I kept trying to read the notes, salvaging my last dying minutes. ( come to think about it, I was going to die anyway right? no point trying. But I think trying to live is natural) So, at least I faced 'death' more calmly.. thanks buddy =)

Peace be with you.

I said I would update on what happened that fateful day when I had to go back right? It turned out better than I expected. They didn't ask any tough questions (I was spared =P)

So we had Vienna International Seafood and Teppanyaki buffet at The United Square. I think that was the first time my father had buffet and so..he was really shy and didn't dare to take a lot of food. But that was the (i don't know how many)th time I went for a buffet and so.. I guess I shocked him and the others. Naturally I had a larger appetite than the rest=P (trained it ya?)

I never really liked seafood because I'm allergic. Pity isn't it? I still tried lobster for the first time. It was cold..and I don't think it really tasted different from a prawn? sorry. guess I just haven't learn to appreciate seafood.

When we got back to my home. I really wanted to wish my father a happy birthday but the words were just so difficult to mouth. Eventually, it took me a lot out nerve to just look at him in the eyes and say, ' Pa,Happy Birthday'. He just smiled, nodded and left.
I think it's really strange..I can say happy birthday so easily to anyone else, just two simple words. Yet..it's so difficult at times.

I have to start studying. Exams are just round the corner. Pray that I do well..must earn my first million dollars by the time I'm 30? =D that's just a target.

I'm gonna change the blogskin real soon..it's gonna be dark or at least..mad..like me.wahaha

madness reigns

I really hate to dwell on unhappy things. People who know me will understand. But each time I look at the situation, I look at the unhappy things that are still there, I get lost. I get unstable. It's like reopening a wound that's sealed many times. Every time I go back to them, that was how it felt. I'm lucky because after awhile, after not looking at the pain for so long and busying myself with my work, I forgot about it. When I face it, everything comes back. How I got this wound, how it hurts time and again, how much I want to remove the scar.
Yea..I've been thinking that maybe I allowed all this to happen and it's my fault because I only sweep things under the rug. (i'm lazy =D) But what else can I do? I can't trash things out with them. So I chose to ignore them.

The scars remind me..that the past is real..

Tell me. Tell me when will all these stop? It will stop if you let it stop. ( I'll say, try it yourself. without swearing)
One thing that I thought was, I won't hate my parents but I hate what they do. However, I've come to the point that I don't care what they do, so long as they don't drag me in. I really tired and I think I'll just end here and see what happens when I get home. (call that a home?)

I wish I don't have to..

Sometimes I don't understand why my parents were the Chosen Ones to create me. So that I can laugh at them? Or perhaps to save them in future? I don't mean to be ungrateful but can you really call them parents? Even calling 'Pa' seems weird now, seriously. (not to mention my affectionate way, 'daddy'. There are different perspectives to the same thing. I heard this on a TV drama. ' A cloud can look like a sheep on one side but a monster on the other' Right now, I can only see the monsters. Maybe they are monsters on both sides? My dad, I haven't got much to say. Let's just call him, the black guy. After all, he's the reason why I'm so dark. (My guardian suspects that I have some Malay blood in me. Oh well, can't tell for sure but I do read Malay like a Malay) My mum, she's the ultimate. Call her A.Hitler. Arrange the words and you get- the Liar. (quoted from horrible histories)I can't beat her in lying. (No wonder she can't stand me.=P)

I don't think all these that I've said are gonna hurt them because they'll never know. Even if they do, I think it's a wake up call to them that I'm not feeling like family with any of them. It's not that I haven't tried. It's just that each time I tried, things never got better and so.. If money's all they want, then they just have to wait. Because money is something that I can give when I grow up. If love is what they want, then sorry. Because they have planted a money tree and watered it with 'shui'(a.k.a water, which means money in chinese) They have forgotten the fertiliser( I guess you know what that is) And I have shown that I needed that..

Anyway, Happy Fathers' Day in advance. I wanna thank you both for giving me such 'good' genes. Know why I'm gonna live alone in future? Cos, I wish I don't have to see another me, suffering. I'm thankful because all this is gonna end right here, with me.

Don't worry, I won't disappoint you guys. Just wait for the money to roll in.

What fools..

I guess I was a bit too stressed the past few days..Had a headache that forced me to sleep even though I hate to.. From now on, I'll do my best to be happy and yes..well, I am stronger than you think! Even robots need to rest ya? For your information, an incinerator that works 365 days non-stop needs a break to repair it's worn out parts too. =D hope people out there who are just as stressed can finally walk out of their stress-war zone for awhile..

One more thing, I pray that the people in Indonesia would be safe from any other disaster especially the volcano eruption that may happen anytime.. I think we should all be thankful because while you are sitting here reading a blog, worrying if you can pass the next exam or test, they are worrying if there would be food tomorrow or would they even see tomorrow. I pray they will stay strong and learn that life must go on.. (learnt that from them too)

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